The Real Memphis Mike (don't settle for imitations)

As usual, we here at The Metzger Ranch For Wayward Weirdos enjoyed yet another beautiful, quiet, Christmas holiday. We hope that you did as well. According to the media (our very own purveyors of doom), most of you didn't. The reason? UPS, FedEx and the United States Post Office FAILED! Their failure? Not delivering that item you ordered on December 22 by Christmas Day!!!!!! If you ask me, the failure is the shopper's, not the carriers'. And why is this, you may be asking? Simple. For starters, you didn't plan very well. Take some responsibility. You knew Christmas was coming. It's the same time every year. December 25th. It's one of the few holidays that we Americans don't arbitrarily change just to make sure that it gives us a 3 day weekend.  Oh sure, you wanted to take advantage of the ever-dropping prices, the sales, etc. That's just being greedy, on your part. Not enough money? Learn to work within a budget. I'm the most broke-ass person I...

A few random thoughts... * If you think you need a gun, great...get one. Learn as much as you can about gun safety. Make sure that you are emotionally capable and intelligent enough to own a gun. Only YOU can make that decision. Never leave a loaded gun sitting around. Never point a gun at anyone unless you intend to shoot them and never shoot anyone unless you intend to kill them. If you ever point a gun at me, it will take a team of very skilled surgeons to remove it from your ass. * I don't care what anyone's personal thoughts are on abortion. If you're against them, don't have one. If you want to use the religious angle, then you probably shouldn't be having premarital sex anyway. A woman can have any number of reasons for wanting an abortion but none of them matter. Abortions are legal. I don't see that changing any time soon. * If you are arguing politics or religion or morals, etc. with anyone, you are part of the problem. You will never change anyo...

I woke up this morning playing "air bass". I had obviously been writing a song in my sleep. The song that was taking shape was intended to be a spoken word piece, something along the lines of "The Gift" by The Velvet Underground . I don't know...this may be too long for such a piece...but only time will tell. Until then, here is the story to go along with the song: Theobold Sterling Mann sat enjoying his usual breakfast of tea, toast and fresh-squeezed OJ. As he did on most days, he looked impeccable in his neatly pressed Arrow shirt and Van Heusen tie, complete with his father's antique rainbow trout tie clip. His wife, Betty, was noisily crunching through her bowl of Grape Nuts but unlike most days, this multi-sensory assault was not dimming his mood. Today was the day. 17 years of marriage had robbed Betty of her looks, figure, and whatever had attracted him to her in the first place. She was, essentially, a cow. At 280 + pounds, the sight of her in...

(Yes. I used "Xmas" instead of "Christmas". If you don't understand the history of it, shut up and go look it up.) I've never enjoyed decorating Xmas trees. I didn't enjoy it as a child and I don't enjoy it as a grown man. Don't get me wrong, I love the way a well-decorated tree looks...I just don't want to do it. It's one of those rituals that seems like a misspent use of time. You put up the tree, drag out the boxes of ornaments, run up the electric bill for a while, then take it back down again. I don't get it...but I'm glad most people do. Today would have been our mom's birthday. She would have been 78. She had a twin sister, who has also since passed. While I can picture my aunt at 78, I just cannot picture our mother at that age. She died when she was 43, so I even though I watched her twin sister live into her 70s, I just can't see my mother like that. Our mom was a hoot! She had a great sense of humor and wa...

We all have an inner voice. Some of my former clients have many of them...but for the sake of this piece, we'll just deal with that one inner voice that we all seem to have. Our inner voice rarely yells. It doesn't need to. It tells us what we should already know. My inner voice tends to be a smart ass (surprise surprise!) and cracks jokes all the time. I had a client years ago named Albert. Albert had a significant impact on my life in many ways. He was about 60, had Down Syndrome, and for all intents and purposes, couldn't speak. He called most people "Hey Babyyyy!". He called me "Cuckoo". He knew me well, apparently. Albert had spent a large part of his life living in institutions and state hospitals. He had family contact, just not lots of it. He learned what he learned as best he could. That said, in many ways, he was wiser than most. One of the things that amazed me about Albert was his level of perception. I never knew Albert to go to chur...

This country is obviously more fucked up than I'd ever believed. I've recently read articles about different major cities debating whether or not to outlaw feeding the homeless. The thought that anyone would ever think this is a bad idea just shows how fucked we are here. It's bad enough that our country believes that health care is a privilege; only those who can afford it can have it. Same with our justice system. I read today about a 16 year white old boy who killed four people in a drunken car crash being given probation over jail time, simply because he's rich and didn't understand that his actions had consequences. Had that been a poor black kid, the courts would probably have pushed for the death penalty. I've never seen our country so deeply divided. When I was a kid in school, we were taught "United we stand, divided we fall." I'm waiting for the inevitable fall. I'm seeing so much bad in this country lately that I'm hav...

If you know me, you know how much music means to me. Long ago, I gave up any chance of a normal life to immerse myself, thoroughly, in music. No regrets there! I love that after all of these years, I can still hear something and get the same physical and emotional sensations that I got as a child listening to Beethoven, The Beatles, Hendrix, Sex Pistols, and more. These are 5 of my faves from this past year (or so). It's been brought to my attention that I am sometimes slow at picking up on new artists. Well, I can't listen to everything all the time! I create a lot of music myself, and that seriously takes up most of my time. The creative process is very much like a form of mania. It overwhelms the creator...but in the best way possible! But I'm digressing... The following videos are from acts that I've either just discovered in the past year, or have been aware of and they're now back! With the exception of Valerie June, I've come to know all of these ac...

When I hear the term "bell ringer", the 1st thing that usually pops into my head is Lon Chaney as Quasimodo, in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. We just came back from the grocery store. While there, I made a mental note to look for the Salvation Army bell ringer. For years, I have tried to donate my loose change to them when I go shopping...and regardless of the annual smear campaign against them, will probably continue to do so. Why? Because I believe in most of what they do. Sure, it seems that every year around this time, we all see some online article or blog about how these despicable Christians and their bell-ringing minions refuse to help homosexuals. Just last night, I read one of these articles (from The Gay Voice News ). The article stated that the Salvation Army wants homosexuals put to death. In short, that's a load of crap. According to the Salvation Army's own website , their stance on the subject is this: Q: Does The Salvation Army discriminate in ...