Wednesday, November 21, 2012

THANKSGIVUS!!!!!!!!!!

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!!!! 7th YEAR!!!!!!

I post this every year. Why? Because some folks ask for it....also because I like it. I hope you will too. We probably shouldn't need a holiday to remind us to be thankful for whatever we have...but I'm glad we do. So with out further adieu....

Thanksgivus

Thanksgivus: that's what she called it. The 'she' in question would be a very short, loud, middle aged black woman with retardation who I supervised for years. Her name is Omega...fitting because she truly is THE END!

Omega didn't exactly have a speech problem but I think her hearing wasn't 100% on the mark, as certain words would get slurred together such as "Thanksgivus". Another fave was her version of Social Security, which often sounded more like "sociable secretary" (of which I've known a few).

Thanksgivus (which is what I now prefer to call the US holiday Thanksgiving) is the last Thursday of November (this is for my overseas friends who may not be fully knowledgeable of the subject). It is the holiday where we Americans give Thanks to God for giving us BIG tasty birds, punkin pie & cranberry sauce...all courtesy of a tribe that we soon took great pains to wipe out. In short, when those Pilgrims (essentially English religious nuts) 1st landed at Plymouth Rock, they didn't have a CLUE what they were doing or what they were in for!

After that 1st winter (what do you mean "No Central Heating"???), most of the Pilgrims had died off. A few hearty ones remained (probably by eating the others...but that story seems to have vanished in the annals of history) and it was looking bleak for them, as they didn't know SQUAT about farming North American soil. Luckily, the Indians (bite me, I will NOT be PC) took pity on them, showed them what to do and the Pilgrims survived. They did sooo well, in fact, they had a big feast and invited the Indians. When the Indians showed up, they realized that white folks are either really bad at planning feasts or are just stingy, so they sent some braves to go kill a half dozen or so deer....gotta make sure ya don't leave the table unless yer ready to burst....STILL an American Thanksgivus tradition. NOWHERE on the menu was green bean casserole....PLEASE make note of that! (the Americans reading this will get the humor)

Finally, sometime in the 19th century, after decades of confusion as to what this "New England" holiday was and when it was supposed to be observed, some mad woman wrote everyone in the colonies suggesting the last Thursday in November...just in time to mark the start of Xmas shopping season!

Now, contrary to what some of my English colleagues have been lead to believe, Thanksgivus is NOT the American Xmas. Trust me, NO ONE on this planet overdoes Xmas like the Americans! Here it is, the Sunday BEFORE Thanksgivus and I'm looking out my front door at my neighbor's Xmas lights! 1 month 5 days before we celebrate the Man's b-day (even though we have the date wrong)...1 month 5 days of looking at those damned lights! Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays as much if not more than most people...but I like things to be done for the right reasons...not just to be the 1st, best or brashest.

For the holidays, I wish you all peace, happiness and a full belly. May your homes be filled with laughter (and not just the canned version coming from your TV). May your pockets never be empty, maybe your fridge always be full (with at least 1 6pack of decent beer...in case I should stop by lol) and may your troubles be few & far between.

In fact, I don't just wish you these things for the holidays...I wish them for you all EVERYDAY.

I'm having a few friends over (as usual) this year for Thanksgivus. It might not be the fanciest dinner but I hope to guarantee all a good meal, a full belly and someplace to sit and digest and enjoy some good company after (and before...as long as they stay OUTTA MY WAY in the kitchen...Chris...take note).

We will revel in the death of a turkey. We shall take delight in the taters, which will be mashed. The rolls will hopefully not be slightly burned on the bottoms...but if they are, that's what butter, gravy & butter knives are for! The veggies will be plentiful and not overcooked. The pie will be chocolate cream...NOT PUNKIN! (my tradition...not yours, OK? ) And yes Virginia...there will most likely be cranberries of some sort...JUST NO DAMNED GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE...PLEASE!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

FREEBIRD!

If you're a musician, or have ever gone to see a live band, chances are you've heard some drunk yell for the band to play FREEBIRD!!!!!!

99.99974658% of all bands will say no. (proof that God loves us)

If YOU are that person...stop it. If you want to hear FREEBIRD!!!!!!!!!! so damned much, go home and crank up your 8-track. The rest of the civilized world doesn't want to hear anyone other than Lynyrd Skynyrd play that damned song...and most of us don't even want to hear that.

I say this not because it's something that I have to deal with often but because it's 2012 and people still do it. Every bit as bad is when people in the audience think that the band onstage knows every single song ever written and can/will/wants to attempt to perform them all.

My personal favorite was once when we were playing at a street festival and a gal of around 18 or so came up to me to ask if we do any Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey????? 

I had to call her out in front of the entire crowd for her stupidity. If you've never heard us play...nothing that we play sounds in any way, shape or form like Mariah Carey. I sing with a relatively low, gravelly voice. It is unfathomable to me or anyone else with any sense that I would ever try to sing a Mariah Carey song. Johnny Cash? Sure. Jimmy Reed? Sure. Stevie Ray Vaughan? Sure. Mariah Carey? Are you kidding me???????

We won't play any Metallica either. We used to do a version of "Mr. Sandman" and throw in a bit of "Enter Sandman"...but that was 10-12 years ago...and we did it to entertain ourselves...not the audience.

When someone stops the band to ask for a song...any song...essentially what that person is doing is messing up the band's groove. Most bands use a set list. This means that the band has taken the time to sit down and figure out the best way to present their songs in a manner most likely to elicit the optimum amount of enjoyment possible for the audience. Asking for FREEBIRD!!!!!!!! or Mariah Carey or Metallica is just going to throw the band's groove, however temporarily, off. DON'T DO IT!

We used to be the house band at a joint in town and there was this one drunken old Yinzer who came in every Saturday night and would yell, at least a few times, for us to play some "Rolling Stones".  I happen to like the Stones, so I worked a song or two of theirs into the set.

BIG MISTAKE! Drunken old dude would still yell out for it. One night, I lost my cool, threw down my Telecaster and chased him through the bar. Finally, I had him up against the wall and told him that not only had we learned a few Stones songs just for his enjoyment, we had finally reached our bullshit limit for the year. I told him that if I ever heard him yell for the Rolling Stones again, I was going to personally staple his penis to his nose.

At that point, he pissed himself.

Needless to say, this loss of my cool put a damper on the rest of the night. While many in the audience thoroughly enjoyed the sight of me debating whether or not to kill this guy, it put me in a foul mood...which is not conducive to me playing at my best.  A few weeks later, I told the club owner that we no longer wished to be his house band. This one drunken idiot took the fun out of the gig for us.

This is what happens when you are that person in the crowd. You take the fun out of it for everyone else. If you seriously think that a band could do a ripping version of FREEBIRD!!!!!!! or any other song, do yourself, the band, and the rest of the crowd a favor: come up to us on our break and politely suggest it. We'll still probably laugh...but we'll be laughing with you instead of at you.

If you insist on being that person, you risk a few other things. If you mess up the band's groove...they may not be asked back. This means they lose money. If a band is having a shit night, most folks aren't going to be inclined to stick around, so you're costing the bartenders/waitresses their tips. You're costing the club owner money. This is not going to boost your popularity.

If you don't recognize the music a band is playing, don't sweat it. Check it out...you just might enjoy it. They may even play something that you know. They may even play your new favorite song. Just don't be a dick.

One last question: Why don't these same people sing FREEBIRD!!!!!! at karaoke? I've never once heard anyone do it.  I've heard some God-awful things sung at karaoke...but I've yet to hear FREEBIRD!!!!!!!!!! (more proof that God loves us)

Don't ask for "Stairway to Heaven" either. I'm pretty sure it's legal in some states for musicians to kill you for asking that.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Respect OUR Flag

Tuesday night, Obama won re-election. This is neither news (now) nor a surprise to anyone with a functioning brain. He was the better of the two (main) candidates, and he won the election.

Early Wednesday morning, I heard (via the interweb) that a neighbor was considering flying the flag, OUR flag, upside down in protest. I told this person (again, via the interweb) that if that were to happen, I would be more than happy to come over and fix it.

I chalked it up to election night mania. I mean really...who in their right mind would be so disrespectful of OUR flag to actually do such a thing. Then came the news. This was not a random, isolated thought. It appears to be a conspiracy of like-minded folks...aka, The Tea Party...the uber right wing fanatical pawns of the Republican Party.

It's pretty much a given that Teabillies are less-than-correctly informed. They like to believe they are informed because they give credence to the fear mongers who play on their deepest collective fears. But...these Teabillies like to see themselves as patriots. I will commend them for their love of country. Too bad it's based on mass hysteria and propaganda rather than actual facts. They fear that the world is laughing at US. In fact, the world is laughing at THEM.

Let's face facts. Like it or not, Obama has won re-election. That means, barring incident, he is President for the next 4 years. Romney lost the election the same way that Gore did in 2000 (minus the hanging chads). Mind you, the 2000 race was much closer than this year's. Bush won 271 electoral votes to Gore's 266. Regardless of the popular vote, Obama won. Just like Bush won in 2000 (again, regardless of the popular vote).

The Teabillies are throwing a temper tantrum over it. They didn't get their way. Like spoiled children, they're pitching a collective fit. What I find especially funny is that these same Teabillies, who pride themselves on adherence to the Constitution (when it's convenient to do so) are missing the obvious (again): The United States Electoral College is the institution that officially elects the President and Vice President of the United States every four years. Electors are chosen by each state of the United States and by the District of Columbia. Article II, Section 1, Clause 2 of the Constitution specifies the number of electors to which each state is entitled and state legislatures decide how they are chosen. The Twenty-third Amendment specifies the number of electors for the District of Columbia.

So how do these Teabillies show their discontent? By threatening to, or actually flying OUR flag upside down. While this may seem trivial to some, it is extremely offensive to others.

My father was a captain in the US Army. I have a cousin who is a general in the USMC.  I had planned to go career military but health issues (deafness, bad back, and a history of depression...for those who feel the need to know) left me permanently disqualified from duty.

 Many of my friends and many of my former clients are veterans. These people have served their country and when called upon to do so, fought for this country and the many rights we all share. Many...too many...have lost life or limb in ensuring our continued freedom and liberties. To display OUR flag...THEIR flag...upside down is nothing short of a direct insult to the veterans and the citizens of this country.

The flag, OUR flag, is only to be displayed upside down in times of DIRE DISTRESS (under the Flag Code). Losing an election is NOT dire distress. Acting out in such a way is not distress...it's immature. It's the act of a bunch of crybabies.

I'm sorry to say this...but these acts by these whining, sniveling fools is nothing more than a scream for attention and an attempt to divide this country further. In my 46 years, I have never seen this country so divided. It is both sad and globally humiliating for the world to see us at our worst like this.

While I would normally never ask anyone to do something like this...this silliness needs to stop. Pronto! If YOU see someone displaying OUR flag upside down, call them out on it. If you know a veteran, ask them to explain to the offender how wrong and offensive this is. If you know a Cub Scout, Brownie, Boy Scout or Girl Scout, ask them to explain to the offender the proper way to display OUR flag.

These Teabillies are NOT the enemy. They are our brothers and sisters, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and fellow Americans. They have been lied to, deceived, used and now, feel humiliated. They are acting out and it will probably get worse if left alone.

Do not ignore the challenge they are laying before you. They are challenging the rest of us to show that we love our country as much as they hate OUR President. I say OUR President because that is exactly who Obama is. The President of the UNITED States of America. Not just the President of the overwhelming majority who voted for him. He is OUR President. He is OUR leader. OUR Commander-In-Chief.

Don't allow these right wing fanatics to disrespect OUR flag, OUR veterans, or OUR citizens. We should ALL be coming together for the betterment of OUR country and OUR country's future...NOT acting like immature brats.

United we stand. Divided we fall. And I'll be damned if I'll let this country fall while I'm still drawing breath.



Friday, November 2, 2012

Keep Your Heart Young

Here's a list of things I never said as a kid (and I doubt any other kid has either):

"I can't wait to have a mountain of bills so I can struggle to pay them!"

"I hope I grow up to have a boss who treats me like crap and refuses to see my potential!"

"I hope I can work 80 hours a week to make someone else rich!"

"Playing is useless! I'd rather work all the time!"

"I hope I can grow up to be old and stressed out and have an ulcer!"

I heard a song on the radio today by a young singer named Brandi Carlile. It's called "Keep Your Heart Young" and I'd like to dedicate it to so many of my friends, colleagues, and contemporaries who have somehow managed to age themselves to the point of becoming crabby, stuffy old people! I don't know how y'all managed it but I do hope you can find a way to slow it down.

I don't really feel old...and at 46, I don't really think I am. I enjoy life. I worked for 25 years in a field that I loved. I've been paid to make music since I was 13. I get paid to write. What's not to love?

We all make our own choices. I decided at a very early age not to follow in my dad's footsteps. I saw him work 16-18 hour days, 7 days a week for years. He loved his work but you wouldn't know it to talk to him. He was always cranky. Who knows...maybe being away from work was what made him cranky. Regardless, I chose not to live that life.

I'd been told by my older relatives that if you love what you do, you'll never work a day. I liked that idea! I won't say I've ever made tons of money but I'm content. My bills are few, I have a nice house, a happy relationship and all in all, life is good.

I have younger friends, in their 20s, who often remark how young I act. How am I supposed to act? Like a cantankerous old geezer? I like to laugh. I enjoy the company of others. I love to create! How is any of that supposed to make a person act? If being happy is synonamous with acting "young" then I'm probably one of the youngest people on the planet!

My hair is turning gray. My eyesight sucks. I'm developing crow's feet and my eye's don't just have bags, they have full sets of luggage! But I don't see myself as old...even if I do joke about it...often. OK sure...I sound like the world's largest bowl of Rice Krispies when I first get out of bed in the morning...but that's the body. Like any mechanism, it starts to break down with use. And trust me, I've used it! My heart, soul and mind are still burning with the fire of youth. I've learned life's lessons and learned them well...and have even learned which ones to ignore!

To paraphrase Ms. Carlile, don't trade your dreams for a ball and chain.

Here's the song. I hope you like it. And if you think someone needs to hear it...share it with them. Then go have some fun! We'll all, hopefully, be OLD soon enough. No need to rush it.

Keep your heart young.