The Real Memphis Mike (don't settle for imitations)

As usual, we here at The Metzger Ranch For Wayward Weirdos enjoyed yet another beautiful, quiet, Christmas holiday. We hope that you did as well. According to the media (our very own purveyors of doom), most of you didn't. The reason? UPS, FedEx and the United States Post Office FAILED! Their failure? Not delivering that item you ordered on December 22 by Christmas Day!!!!!! If you ask me, the failure is the shopper's, not the carriers'. And why is this, you may be asking? Simple. For starters, you didn't plan very well. Take some responsibility. You knew Christmas was coming. It's the same time every year. December 25th. It's one of the few holidays that we Americans don't arbitrarily change just to make sure that it gives us a 3 day weekend.  Oh sure, you wanted to take advantage of the ever-dropping prices, the sales, etc. That's just being greedy, on your part. Not enough money? Learn to work within a budget. I'm the most broke-ass person I...

A few random thoughts... * If you think you need a gun, great...get one. Learn as much as you can about gun safety. Make sure that you are emotionally capable and intelligent enough to own a gun. Only YOU can make that decision. Never leave a loaded gun sitting around. Never point a gun at anyone unless you intend to shoot them and never shoot anyone unless you intend to kill them. If you ever point a gun at me, it will take a team of very skilled surgeons to remove it from your ass. * I don't care what anyone's personal thoughts are on abortion. If you're against them, don't have one. If you want to use the religious angle, then you probably shouldn't be having premarital sex anyway. A woman can have any number of reasons for wanting an abortion but none of them matter. Abortions are legal. I don't see that changing any time soon. * If you are arguing politics or religion or morals, etc. with anyone, you are part of the problem. You will never change anyo...

I woke up this morning playing "air bass". I had obviously been writing a song in my sleep. The song that was taking shape was intended to be a spoken word piece, something along the lines of "The Gift" by The Velvet Underground . I don't know...this may be too long for such a piece...but only time will tell. Until then, here is the story to go along with the song: Theobold Sterling Mann sat enjoying his usual breakfast of tea, toast and fresh-squeezed OJ. As he did on most days, he looked impeccable in his neatly pressed Arrow shirt and Van Heusen tie, complete with his father's antique rainbow trout tie clip. His wife, Betty, was noisily crunching through her bowl of Grape Nuts but unlike most days, this multi-sensory assault was not dimming his mood. Today was the day. 17 years of marriage had robbed Betty of her looks, figure, and whatever had attracted him to her in the first place. She was, essentially, a cow. At 280 + pounds, the sight of her in...

(Yes. I used "Xmas" instead of "Christmas". If you don't understand the history of it, shut up and go look it up.) I've never enjoyed decorating Xmas trees. I didn't enjoy it as a child and I don't enjoy it as a grown man. Don't get me wrong, I love the way a well-decorated tree looks...I just don't want to do it. It's one of those rituals that seems like a misspent use of time. You put up the tree, drag out the boxes of ornaments, run up the electric bill for a while, then take it back down again. I don't get it...but I'm glad most people do. Today would have been our mom's birthday. She would have been 78. She had a twin sister, who has also since passed. While I can picture my aunt at 78, I just cannot picture our mother at that age. She died when she was 43, so I even though I watched her twin sister live into her 70s, I just can't see my mother like that. Our mom was a hoot! She had a great sense of humor and wa...

We all have an inner voice. Some of my former clients have many of them...but for the sake of this piece, we'll just deal with that one inner voice that we all seem to have. Our inner voice rarely yells. It doesn't need to. It tells us what we should already know. My inner voice tends to be a smart ass (surprise surprise!) and cracks jokes all the time. I had a client years ago named Albert. Albert had a significant impact on my life in many ways. He was about 60, had Down Syndrome, and for all intents and purposes, couldn't speak. He called most people "Hey Babyyyy!". He called me "Cuckoo". He knew me well, apparently. Albert had spent a large part of his life living in institutions and state hospitals. He had family contact, just not lots of it. He learned what he learned as best he could. That said, in many ways, he was wiser than most. One of the things that amazed me about Albert was his level of perception. I never knew Albert to go to chur...

This country is obviously more fucked up than I'd ever believed. I've recently read articles about different major cities debating whether or not to outlaw feeding the homeless. The thought that anyone would ever think this is a bad idea just shows how fucked we are here. It's bad enough that our country believes that health care is a privilege; only those who can afford it can have it. Same with our justice system. I read today about a 16 year white old boy who killed four people in a drunken car crash being given probation over jail time, simply because he's rich and didn't understand that his actions had consequences. Had that been a poor black kid, the courts would probably have pushed for the death penalty. I've never seen our country so deeply divided. When I was a kid in school, we were taught "United we stand, divided we fall." I'm waiting for the inevitable fall. I'm seeing so much bad in this country lately that I'm hav...

If you know me, you know how much music means to me. Long ago, I gave up any chance of a normal life to immerse myself, thoroughly, in music. No regrets there! I love that after all of these years, I can still hear something and get the same physical and emotional sensations that I got as a child listening to Beethoven, The Beatles, Hendrix, Sex Pistols, and more. These are 5 of my faves from this past year (or so). It's been brought to my attention that I am sometimes slow at picking up on new artists. Well, I can't listen to everything all the time! I create a lot of music myself, and that seriously takes up most of my time. The creative process is very much like a form of mania. It overwhelms the creator...but in the best way possible! But I'm digressing... The following videos are from acts that I've either just discovered in the past year, or have been aware of and they're now back! With the exception of Valerie June, I've come to know all of these ac...

When I hear the term "bell ringer", the 1st thing that usually pops into my head is Lon Chaney as Quasimodo, in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. We just came back from the grocery store. While there, I made a mental note to look for the Salvation Army bell ringer. For years, I have tried to donate my loose change to them when I go shopping...and regardless of the annual smear campaign against them, will probably continue to do so. Why? Because I believe in most of what they do. Sure, it seems that every year around this time, we all see some online article or blog about how these despicable Christians and their bell-ringing minions refuse to help homosexuals. Just last night, I read one of these articles (from The Gay Voice News ). The article stated that the Salvation Army wants homosexuals put to death. In short, that's a load of crap. According to the Salvation Army's own website , their stance on the subject is this: Q: Does The Salvation Army discriminate in ...

THANKSGIVUS!!!!!!!!!! BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!!!! 8th YEAR!!!!!! I post this every year. Why? Because some folks ask for it....also because I like it. I hope you will too. We probably shouldn't need a holiday to remind us to be thankful for whatever we have...but I'm glad we do. So with out further adieu.... Thanksgivus Thanksgivus: that's what she called it. The 'she' in question would be a very short, loud, middle aged black woman with retardation who I supervised for years. Her name is Omega...fitting because she truly is THE END! Omega didn't exactly have a speech problem but I think her hearing wasn't 100% on the mark, as certain words would get slurred together such as "Thanksgivus". Another fave was her version of Social Security, which often sounded more like "sociable secretary" (of which I've known a few). Thanksgivus (which is what I now prefer to call the US holiday Thanksgiving) is the last Thursda...

I finished a song today. That might not sound like much, but this song has haunted me for 15 damned years. Sure, most songwriters have tons of unfinished songs. Hell, I have hundreds, maybe thousands of them...but this song has always been gnawing at the back of my brain. I've asked at least a half dozen songwriter friends to help me with it over the years, but nothing ever came of it. I guess it just wasn't the song's time...until now. I guess I can thank the music industry, in part, for it. This song is bound to be ignored by most. It's a waltz for Pete's sake...and really, who writes waltzes anymore? That said, the industry, and the possibly irreversible mess it's found itself in, has freed me to write whatever the hell I damned well like. It no longer really matters. For years I've heard the words "it'll never get airplay" in the back of my head when I write. Not that many of my songs have ever or will ever get much airplay, but those...

As you may already know, I've just been on tour with Danny Kay & The Nightlifers, a honky tonk band based out of Baltimore, MD. We were having a great time and a good tour until we hit some unexpected rough patches. The last straw was our bass player, Johnny Lawless, falling ill. We had to pull the plug then. Big apologies to those who had been planning to come out and see us. We will try to reschedule for the spring.  L-R Johnny Lawless, Danny Kay, Memphis Mike @ The Parlour, Providence, RI Some of you may be wondering " So, how was the rest of the tour ?"  In short, GREAT! We kinda got a late start though. Johnny drove up from Virginia to pick me up in Pittsburgh and then out to the middle of nowhere in the mountains where Danny Kay is now residing. We're talking Bigfoot Country. Once we were all aboard and packed up and strapped in, it was straight to Harrisburg, PA for our first show of the tour. Susquehanna Ale House 22  Harrisburg, PA In ...

So, I'm spending the day doing laundry...nothing particularly new or exciting but... I'm getting ready for my first real tour in 7 years. Needless to say, I'm excited...yet at the same time, a tad nervous. For those who haven't been keeping score, I'm going on tour playing guitar with Danny Kay & The Nightlifers, an old school country band - 2 guitars, upright bass, no drums. I'm quite looking forward to it...provided I don't have a heart attack or stroke on the road. I'm going to miss my girlfriend and my cat. With the exception of the odd weekend here and there, this is the first time my girlfriend and I have spent any kind of time away from each other in our nearly 6 years together. It's going to be weird NOT waking up next to her. I'm going to miss her knee in my spine and her stealing all the covers. I'm going to miss our routines. We get up together in the morning. She usually drinks most of the coffee but always makes more fo...

The headline read "Russell Brand May Have Started A Revolution". Hogmuffins. The piece regarded Brand being interviewed by BBC's Jeremy Paxman (known for his "forthright and abrasive interviewing style") about being the guest editor for The New Statesman's recent revolution-themed issue. Paxman asked, and rightly so, what qualifies Brand for this. The interview just goes awry from there. It ends with Brand being dramatically passionate about the state of the world. OK...so he's lucid enough to understand, like most of the rest of the world, that things need to change. He's vocal about what ...but not about how . He rants about social injustice, wealth disparity, etc...but makes no statements regarding how to go about solving the problems. A friend sent me the article this morning and this was my reply (for the most part): "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." ...

Q: How do you ask a musician/entertainer/artist to do shit for FREE for your favorite charity, fundraising entity, non-profit organization? A: You don't. Asking us to do for you, what many of us do for a living, for FREE, is an insult to us. Many will appear to take the high road** on this...I, however, will not. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for benefits and charities. Over the years, I've given my money, time, and talents to many. I did so because I chose to...not because I was asked to. I do so because the charities that I contribute my time/money/talent to mean something to me...just like your favorite charitable organization means to you. It doesn't make one better than another. In fact, many are really pretty crooked...but that's a story for another time. So, a guy calls me today, under the pretense of buying some gear that I have for sale. I can tell he's trying to make small talk...to get on my good side. If you've ever engaged in a busines...

   THIS IS STAR TREK , DAMMIT!!!!!!!!  (l-r Scotty, Chekov, Bones, Nurse Whats-her-face-that-no-one-really-cared-about, THE KIRK, Uhura, Spock, and Mr. "Oh My" his own bad self, Sulu. THIS is Star Trek!) I've actually had this same discussion a few times in the past week. THIS is Star Trek. The REAL Star Trek, if you will. "Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise . Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before." That was Captain James Tiberius Kirk's monologue at the beginning of every episode, bar two. Jim Kirk is in command of the Enterprise. Learn that. Live it. Love it. When someone asks me if I like Star Trek (which I do), THIS is what I think of. I am usually horrified when asked the follow up question: "Which one?" By this, I can only hope that they mean to inquire as to which episode I liked the ...

We played a wedding last night. I have, for years, avoided doing so for many reasons. I'm not a wedding singer. I am rarely able to pull off doing 'pretty songs'. If you've ever heard my voice, you know why. No, I prefer loud, rollicking, screaming-shouting-stomping old blues, rockabilly, rock and roll, country, etc. Not your ideal wedding band. I am often asked to play weddings. I don't get it? I'm usually asked by someone, at one of our shows, if we can play their wedding. I am normally able to dissuade the question by quoting them a ridiculous price. When price isn't an object, I remind them, repeatedly, that the show they just saw (loud, drunk, and often obnoxious) is what they'll be getting for their wedding. I ask how their grandma or great aunt Gladys will feel about songs referencing 'drinking until one pukes'.  I then tell them, "NO REQUESTS". I don't care if Lionel Richie's "Hello" has special meaning for...