I'm not usually one to drink and write...but hey...sometimes one just has to go with the flow.
Tonight has been odd. Not bad...just odd. It was a close friend's 48th birthday. He's 2 years and 4 days older than me. It's been a bit of a running joke for the past 20+ years.
Anyhoo, his band was doing a show tonight and some of us old farts went out to help him celebrate. Sadly, not as many of the old farts as there should've been. So many people seem trapped in their own worlds. They want/expect everyone to drop everything to celebrate THEIR big to-do...but they don't show at other's.
If you've followed this blog, or know me at all, you know who the young'un is. As usual, she was great about me having a night out with the guys. We both knew it would be finished relatively early (most of my friends can't quite handle the late nights like I still can) so we met up around 12:30. We met with some friends for a drink and came on home. She went upstairs to leave me to my pre-birthday madness. (she's a smart cookie!)
So, I've been farting around on the internet and listening to The Cars. I've always loved The Cars...but damn...tonight they sound dated as hell! Worse yet, I've been watching some old live videos on YouTube....and damn....did they ever think to TUNE? (thinking back to the one time I saw them live in 84...no they didn't. Tuning wasn't a high priority)
But tonight...weirdness. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm getting old(er). Some friends asked when my next show is. I had to remind them that I don't do many shows anymore. I just don't enjoy it. I had a number of friends comment on my new single/video. Everyone seems to dig it...but these are my friends...of course they'll say that.
I'll admit, I got a decent buzz tonight. Nothing like the old days. No staggering. No numbness. No drinking until I'm ready to puke. None of that. Just a pleasant little buzz. Now here I am listening to The Cars, who I haven't really listened to in probably 25 years. WTF? (Damn...Elliot Easton is REALLY out of tune!)
A sense of melancholy has come over me tonight. This is unusual. Maybe it's because my birthday is coming up in a few days. I've always been proud that I've already accomplished my biggest dreams...but now what?
I'm almost 46, unemployed...and bored to death. Maybe its the unemployment and being bored. Maybe it's me trying to figure out new goals. I really have nothing to "want" for. My house is paid for. My car is paid for (although in need of some work). Maybe I'm just subconsciously replaying my life. Maybe I'm thinking "what now?".
When we were teens, my friend Jimmy and I knew every song by The Cars (and The Ramones, and The Beatles) by heart. We played them all the time. We'd sit in his basement with our guitars and play the hell out these songs. Funny...we're both better known for playing 'rockabilly' now. Go figure. I couldn't tell you the last time I tried to learn someone else's songs. Sure, I've done it a few times while backing someone...but it wasn't difficult...or even a matter of wanting to...it was work. My job. And not a part of my job I've ever relished. Rehashing someone else's past. Hell, I don't usually even like rehashing my own past!
I told someone, tonight, just what I thought of them. I guess I was trying to be complimentary...but in retrospect I fear it came across as creepy. I've never known how to tell someone what I think...unless I do it in a smart ass way. Note to self: work on this.
Damn...this ramble is going on longer than I thought it would!
When the young'un and I were having a drink with friends, my friends told me how much they love me...despite my abrasive personality. Yep...I can be abrasive (in case you didn't already know this). I guess it's one of my defense mechanisms. It keeps people at a safe distance. I don't WANT to be standoffish...it just comes out that way.
Damn...I haven't heard this song in 30 years! I'd forgotten all about it!
I'm OK with aging. I don't always like it...but I know it's inevitable. My friend and I were discussing our respective heart conditions. Two old men talking about their ailments! LOL God...have we come to that point??? Luckily, we're both pretty damned hearty and healthy. We'll probably outlive all of you!
So then, why am I so melancholy? Is it the alcohol? Or is it the reality of my age kicking in? I'm going to be 46. Fuck that sounds old. 45 never sounded or felt old...but damn...something about "46". No sir...I don't like it.
Candy-O...I need you.
Listening to The Cars, I think back...is this who I was back then? And am I the man I thought I would become? I've lived my dreams. Now what? Seriously...NOW WHAT? Have I become a dinosaur? I think back 20 years...there were some musicians I knew then that were about my age now...and I couldn't understand WHY they were still trying to gig.
At my age now, I know they were doing it for two reasons: they loved it...and probably couldn't afford NOT to. Musicians make shit for money. Look at the "stars"...how many can you think of that file for bankruptcy? It's common in our business. No damned security. Maybe that's part of my melancholy.
Moving In Stereo? Fuck that. I've always preferred MONO.
So it's 4:30am. The young'un is upstairs sleeping and Day-Z, the cat, is giving me her usual "what are you doing NOW human?" look. I often think Day-Z may be the smartest critter in this house. It sure as hell ain't me.
OK...if you were expecting a resolution to this ramble...sorry...there ain't one. This is just me 'thinking out loud' for the world to read. Like I give a damn. For me, it's cathartic. Or maybe...just maybe...it's me showing you who I really am.
Goodnight.
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