Is It Time?

 I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore...and really, I'm OK with that. So, this ones for me.

This whole pandemic thing has been hard on me. I know...BOO HOO. Its been hard on everyone. I just need to vent. It'll be good for me.

As I was saying, pandemic hard...me no handle well. For the first time in 40+ years, I have no shows booked. I had shows...but when I ceased working with Hawkins (for reasons most of you probably know) those shows went. 

Still buying gear...like a damned junkie. Bought a lap steel, a new guitar (both dirt cheap) and a surprisingly inexpensive upright bass. (its worth a LOT more than I paid...but I digress)

My depression finally kicked into full gear in August. It had been bouncing around, up and down, since March. Probably a similar situation for others who share this particular malady. 

I had been functioning pretty well. Just slower than I'd like. I've become a hermit. With the exception of necessary trips, I've not left my neighborhood. I stopped going for walks. I've mostly locked myself in. Being of a certain age and living with numerous health issues that put me in the COVID High Risk group, I've become a hermit. I thought I'd deal with it better...as I'm not exactly a social butterfly. I was wrong.

I was keeping busy working, writing, recording, and working on a film project. I finally set up a bandcamp page (another useless social media device). Due to the pandemic, I was months behind in personal health checkups, which due to the aforementioned health issues, are a bit of a necessity. I was finally able to set up the video visits but Sweet Jesus! they (the health corporations and insurance companies) don't make it easy. It took me 2 days just to schedule an appointment and blood work. 2 Days!!!!! That was the tipping point. 

While most of my health issues are under control, a few new ones have popped up. One, a skin issue that turned out to be not much, had my doc a bit alarmed. The other, a blood issue, seems to have the doc stymied. It does, however, explain why I'm so damned tired all of the time.

The continual runaround with the healthcare bullshit finally triggered a pretty nasty depressive state. I knew it was bad, so I contacted the doc. He knows I don't respond well to psych meds so we tried getting me in to a therapist. No luck. The one practice I managed to get through to...long story short, they're trying very hard to be young, hip, and marketing savvy...and their intake form was little more than a data mining expedition, so I told them to get fucked. Not the move of a healthy person but I never claimed to be one. 

I spent the next week fighting the depression, fighting the suicidal impulses, spending far too much time alone, and NOT making music. Most days I'll play for at least an hour, if only to keep up my chops. Now I go days without a note. I've managed to record a few things but my usual desire is well hidden, if not gone. Starting to wonder if its time to hang it up. That could be the depression talking.

I've been trying to keep busy with projects around the house...but again, I get so exhausted so easily, its taking forever. Painting my porch trim and front windows has taken over 2 weeks. It should have taken an afternoon. I started stripping the fireplace but haven't been able to get the product I need to finish the job, so that sits half finished. I have tools everywhere. 

I convinced the doc to let me try to start working again (still from home) and he kindly acquiesced. Work has, as usual, been a pain in the dick about it. I tried to log into my work computer this eve to clear out any unnecessary emails, etc...but my log in privileges have been put on hold. Knowing the company, this will probably take 2-3 days to sort out. I may just tell them, as I told the therapists' office, to shove it. Again, not healthy thinking...I know. But I'm just so damned tired of being tired. I'm over being an immobile lump. I miss having some level of enthusiasm. Hell, I miss my manic episodes! I miss the little joys I found in life...like music, cooking, baking, photography, etc. Instead, I just sit and lose time. The cats are worried. The better half is worried. I haven't spent any appreciable time with anyone else in months, otherwise they'd probably be worried. 

Being this tired, you'd think I'd be able to at least sleep. You'd be wrong. Sleep is intermittent and not at all restful. I definitely feel like it might be time to do something...just not sure what. Music might be in my past...which will probably destroy what's left of me. 

Not trying to be a downer or complain...but I'd feel lost if I could feel anything at all. And I really miss feeling things.