This is less an excerpt than a stand-alone piece. If you haven't read A VERY TEDDY TUESDAY, I'd suggest it. Otherwise, you'll have no clue who Teddy is, where, and why. On that note, here we go!
Teddy was pretty sure that didn't belong there, but he was no expert on humans or their anatomy, biology, or mating habits. What he was seeing just felt off to him.
Humans are, as he'd often noticed, an oversized, confusing mess of sights, smells, and sounds. He was pretty sure they didn't hear well either, as he had attempted to greet them on occasion. His goal had been civility, not deep conversation. I mean really, he was pretty sure their overall intelligence was questionable at best. But, trying to be a good neighbor, Teddy had, on occasion, chittered a pleasant greeting upon seeing a familiar human. The response?
Nothing.
Oh wait, sometimes they screamed. Maybe that was their greeting reserved for special encounters. He'd heard it before in the house. He attempted to give his best attempt at a shriek in response, but admittedly, it was weak and embarrassing. Maybe he'd simply made himself look foolish, and the humans were ignoring him.
The colorful but smelly human seemed to elicit the most screams. He (or was it she, Teddy wasn't sure) seemed to attempt to mate prolifically, but without much luck in the offspring department. The colorful one often brought mates into the house and then they would go upstairs. Later, Teddy would hear the scream greeting. Oddly enough, the mates rarely left the upstairs region.
Sylvia had said that her Devon had been upstairs many times, on dares from his friends. She claimed that the colorful one had a mating ritual similar to a mantis, which was why the mates never returned. Maybe that was the reason for the minty smoke that occasionally wafted down. Teddy knew one thing for sure: Sylvia's facts should always be questioned. She rarely left the AC, especially not with 63 kids to feed and look after. And he'd heard more than enough stories on that particular subject - especially stories about Devon.
Devon seemed like an OK little roach, but his mother's stories were often enough to make Teddy consider cannibalizing the whole bunch of them. He knew that wouldn't exactly draw a favorable response from the rest of the colony, though. Strength in numbers is the cockroach way. Whenever possible, the colony sticks together.
At least that's what he'd always been taught.
The sight that Teddy had witnessed, leaving him feeling uneasy, involved the colorful human. Teddy could smell pheromones coming from both it and its mate. Their mating ritual had begun before they even ventured upstairs. This was, at least in Teddy's eyes, unusual. The humans giggled and whispered and made odd noises. Lots of what Teddy called 'face mashing' - on odd ritual if there ever was one.
The colorful one seemed to be covered in some sort of black spider web, at least on its lower appendages. Teddy had never seen this creature sit still long enough for any single spider to weave that much. It was all just confusing.
The two mating humans had their appendages all over each other, like they were making sure the other didn't escape. The most confusing sight Teddy witnessed was when the colorful human produced an unexpected body part - something he had been absolutely certain humans weren't supposed to have - from the webbing, around mid-torso, and the other human tried to eat it. The response from the colorful human seemed more like delight than apprehension. None of Teddy's optical lenses could make sense of it.
He was actually relieved when the two ascended the stairs. Some things are better left unknown.
He couldn't wait to tell Sylvia. He'd seen the mating ritual - and it was just weird.
copyright notice © 2026 Michael C. Metzger
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