The Real Memphis Mike (don't settle for imitations)

 "The young worry about being noticed.  The old learn the value of being ignored." He'd grown to enjoy mornings. He enjoyed the still, soft silence - aside from the ever-present hum of his tinnitus. Mornings had always been stressful. Rush rush rush! Rush to school! Rush to work! Rush to this appointment or that one. What's going to go wrong today? He'd never stopped to think 'what might go right today?' Mornings were now an excellent time for contemplation - prayer even. Even in the worst weather, he'd often look out the window and thank the Lord for another beautiful day. Another chance, another opportunity.  He'd lost most of the hearing in his right ear. He'd lost most of the vision in his left eye. A stroke robbed him of many abilities. He had trouble walking. He tripped a lot. He often dropped things. He had a hard time remembering words. He had stomach problems. His breathing was slowly becoming an issue. Yet, he remained oddly positive....

Working night shift in a personal care home was about as exciting as it sounds. Paperwork, filing, a bit of cleaning, and a lot of down time. The pay wasn't great, but it was steady. Decent benefits too.  He worked on the lower level. The nurses' station was on the upper level. The nurse's aide was supposed to do hourly rounds on both levels, but she usually never came downstairs. This was fine with him. Had he been a more social person, he probably wouldn't have taken the job, let alone kept at it for years. Sure, he'd occasionally go up and chat with the nurses and the aide. He wasn't much for watching TV, and night-time radio sucked. So, he'd go up in the rickety old elevator, grab a smoke with the other staff, make a little small talk and then return to his office and whatever latest book he was reading.  He made his rounds without fail, every hour. Sometimes twice an hour if he was bored. Most of the residents slept like logs. Some of the whackier ones ...

It started as a harmless prank. A viral trend. Easy to do. Easy to laugh about. Someone taking a photo - you slip into the background. Make a face. Throw up a peace sign. Pretend to trip. No harm, no foul. Most people laughed. Some didn’t. But that's the thing about the internet - you never really know who's watching. And someone is always watching. Jared didn’t think much about it. He was just a kid having fun. --- Saturdays down in the Market District were prime photo bomb days. Everyone and their sister were there - picking up produce, browsing specialty shops, wandering between street vendors, or eating fried cat-on-a-stick. The locals understood. Tourists never did. Which made it perfect. Families posed in front of colorful produce stands. Couples snapped selfies outside bakeries. Kids stood with oversized lemonades and greasy paper trays of things nobody could quite identify. Photos of buskers. Street performers. And somewhere in the background, there was Jared. Shorter ...

 I woke up this morning, made coffee, and before I even got a sip in, I was already being informed that something - somewhere - was unacceptable. No context. No details. Just the digital equivalent of a stranger bursting into your kitchen yelling: “THIS IS NOT OK.” What is it? Nobody knows. But we’re furious. Because in 2026, outrage isn’t a reaction - it’s a hobby. People don’t wake up wondering what they’re going to do anymore. They wake up wondering what they’re going to be mad about. “Give us this day our daily grievance.” And when they find it - and they always do - they gather. Not to understand. Not to fix. To perform. You’ve got the Outraged. The Counter-Outraged. The Late Arrivals, somehow the angriest of all. And of course, PatriotEagle420, who hasn’t read a full sentence since 2008 but is absolutely certain this is tyranny. Meanwhile, the one poor bastard asking, “Wait… what actually happened?” gets treated like he just farted in church. Now here’s the part nobody wants ...

I can't personally verify the truth of this story. A friend told it, and I felt it was comic gold, given a few minor tweaks. I also have to question my friend's taste in pizza. Sir Pizza is a chain joint out of Indiana. That said, Indiana is home to some of the worst excuses for pizza I have ever encountered. Living in the greater Pittsburgh area, my friend and I are not lost for choices when it comes to pizza. Not sure where to go? Ask. - MM I have been eating Sir Pizza for roughly three decades, which is longer than some marriages and at least one of my cholesterol medications. I don’t just order it - I commit to it. I drive out of my way. I plan evenings around it. If Sir Pizza had a loyalty punch card, I’d be entitled to partial ownership by now. Today, however, I made a grave and unforgivable error. I ordered from the wrong location. Not the wrong pizza, mind you. Not anchovies instead of pepperoni. No, I ordered the correct pizza from the incorrect geographic coordinate, ...

 Simmer down...this is more for me than anyone else. I'm chuckling like a goon here. - MM I’m now 60. This is not a drill. I was today years old when I realized the English language did not survive the internet. It was not murdered - it was slowly, painfully algorithmed to death. Not me witnessing the full collapse of vocabulary in real time... Unpopular opinion: If you know, you know...and I wish I didn’t. I did a thing. Yeah. You avoided a verb. Congratulations on your brave journey. Living your best life? Most of you are eating cold pizza in sweatpants at 2am arguing with something named “Kyle (Patriot Mode).” Be aware. Proceed with caution. Yinz ain't ready for that conversation - mostly because it requires complete sentences. And I oop - In my era (go ahead, dock my aura points, I’ve got plenty), we didn’t say “adulting.” We just suffered quietly and developed personality disorders like God intended. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. (No one asked for. No one needed. Y...