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The Old Woman in the Shoe (Revised Case Notes)

“There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do. She gave them some broth without any bread, And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.” No one lives in a shoe. That’s just what the children call it. The building curves inward in a way that doesn’t feel right. Hallways narrow toward the ends. Rooms taper off like something was trying to make space where there wasn’t any. The youngest are kept at the “toe.” The older ones, what few there are, closer to the “heel.” It’s not official terminology. But it sticks. The woman assigned to the ward isn’t as old as she looks. Forty, maybe. Fifty at most. Hard to tell under the weight of it all. Too many children. Not enough staff. Not enough food. Not enough patience left in the world. She has charts. Protocols. A schedule that says what happens and when. Morning: broth. Afternoon: quiet time. Evening: correction. They don’t call it whipping anymore. Not out loud. But the marks tell their o...
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THAT'S JUST ELVIS

It was as good a town as any for semi-retirement.  On the surface, Linden looked quiet. But like most small towns, it buzzed with characters. The sheriff was known as Beer Belly - “Beer” for short - and he answered to Judge Pee Wee, a man so fond of drinking he required a police escort more often than not. By nightfall, I wasn’t new anymore. I hadn’t introduced myself. I didn’t have to. Somewhere between unloading my bags and walking into town, I’d already been named, placed, understood.  New fella from up north. That was enough. Privacy wasn’t exactly the local currency. Neither was surprise. Not anymore. There was no bar, but the gas station did double duty. Picnic tables out front for beer, gossip, and weather reports. Shopping options were limited: a Food King, a video store, the B&H diner, The Rusty Hook if you wanted catfish—and Crazy Fay’s, where you could buy Confederate memorabilia and black velvet Elvis art in the same transaction without anyone batting an eye. ...

2:40a.m.

2:40am, and he was lost in the sounds of Zufälligen Einbildungskraft. The rest of the world was asleep. He knew it wasn't his fault - at least not this time. However, he had a nagging feeling. The closer he was to achieving his goal, the further away it seemed. He'd read, studied, conjugated and codified - yet he felt no closer than when he began. The world was drowning in a sea of poorly corrected pitch, and he was helpless to do anything about it. The vibrations of authenticity and originality were growing fainter by the minute. It had been over thirty years since the last explosion, and even that had been a hollow replica of days gone by. His heart broke a little when he realized Waits was little more than a Partch fanboy with delusions of Satchmotic wailings.  Bones was a killer - with strings.  The legends had become just that. Forgotten mythology rotting on a shelf, waiting to be rediscovered by academics and weirdos. The day before, he'd sent pleas in multiple lang...

Fags & Faggots

 It was late February 2002, and I was getting ready for my first trip overseas.  I had lucked into a handful of gigs, and I was thrilled by the chance. I grew up watching lots of Hammer horror films, and almost any British show I could find. Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Benny Hill Show, Dave Allen, and Tommy Cooper were regular viewing thanks to public television. I spent plenty of time reading British literature, especially Arthur Conan Doyle. My maternal grandfather’s family was British, so it’s fair to say I was an Anglophile. I thought I had a pretty good understanding of “the Queen’s English.” I was well acquainted with terms like spanner, lorry, telly, and most hilarious to twelve-year-old me, fags (or cigarettes, for those unaware). I was under the mistaken impression that “wanker” could be used as a term of endearment, not unlike jagoff. I later found this to be…not quite accurate. I was admittedly concerned about the food. While I occasionally consider myself ad...

Six Hundred Names

I remember some years back having to switch to a new phone. I’m not a fan of change, especially when it comes to things I consider appliances. In the landline days of old, phones were relatively cheap, and you didn’t have to get a new one every couple of years. I still own a couple of rotary phones from the 1940s that work perfectly fine and have better sound quality than anything else I’ve ever used. But this story ain’t about phones. Or change. It’s about my personal phonebook. That’s one thing I’ll admit to liking about cell phones. Everyone’s number right there in the device. No more having to remember - or risk forgetting - telephone numbers. At the time of this particular phone change, I was at one of those midlife crossroads. My dilemma was simple enough: Do I continue with music at some professional level? I wasn’t happy with my playing. I felt like I was spinning my wheels, doing the same songs over and over. I was burned out. It happens. The young lady at the phone store help...

The Tsar of Back in My Day

Lately, he’d been thinking about his ex-father-in-law. Not the ex-wife - calm down. That road had enough potholes already. No, this was about Kolya. They had never been especially close. Between the language barrier, the cultural divide, and the lingering fog of the recently ended Cold War, “warm relationship” was never really on the menu. Still, Kolya had made an impression. Men like that tended to. He was somewhere in his mid-to-late sixties when they met. Picture the farmer from American Gothic if he’d been drafted by the Soviet Union, fed boiled cabbage, and taught to glare professionally. Bald as a cannonball, which somehow made his head seem even larger. Thick square plastic eyeglasses magnified his eyes until they looked like a permanent accusation. He dressed sharply, but in a way that suggested the tailor’s motto had been adequate for the State . Then there were his teeth. No expert on the subject, he could only assume cosmetic dentistry had been dismissed by the Soviets a...

NO SAVING GRACE (part 3)

For three days, Grace Holloway was herself again.  Or the version she preferred to call herself. No headaches. No lost time. No strange notes. No waking with dirt beneath her nails or blood she could not explain. She slept eight hours each night. She attended a luncheon, chaired a committee meeting, sent flowers to a widow she barely knew, and was told twice she looked radiant. Grace almost laughed. Perhaps it had been stress. Hormones. Some temporary neurological storm. Perhaps Dr. Julian Vale had frightened her with his expensive calm and ominous questions. Perhaps all of it was passing. By the fourth evening, she was nearly certain. --- The package arrived at 6:40. No return address. Inside was a single cream card. Same time next week. The others adore you. Nothing else. Grace stood in her foyer for a long time. Then, despite every rational instinct, she dressed. Not elegantly. Automatically. As if following remembered instructions her conscious mind had never learned. --- The t...