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Mikesmas 60: A Public Service Announcement

 Simmer down...this is more for me than anyone else. I'm chuckling like a goon here. - MM


I’m now 60.

This is not a drill.

I was today years old when I realized the English language did not survive the internet. It was not murdered - it was slowly, painfully algorithmed to death.

Not me witnessing the full collapse of vocabulary in real time...

Unpopular opinion:

If you know, you know...and I wish I didn’t.

I did a thing.

Yeah. You avoided a verb. Congratulations on your brave journey.

Living your best life?

Most of you are eating cold pizza in sweatpants at 2am arguing with something named “Kyle (Patriot Mode).” Be aware.

Proceed with caution.

Yinz ain't ready for that conversation - mostly because it requires complete sentences.

And I oop -

In my era (go ahead, dock my aura points, I’ve got plenty), we didn’t say “adulting.” We just suffered quietly and developed personality disorders like God intended.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(No one asked for. No one needed. Yet here we are.)

“My favorite human.”

You mean...a person? A friend? A spouse? We had words. We used them. They worked.

Now everything sounds like it was written by a malfunctioning Hallmark card with Wi-Fi.

Very demure. Very mindful.

Of what? You just put ranch dressing on spaghetti and posted about it like it cured polio.

Cooked. We are absolutely cooked.

Somewhere along the line, every inconvenience became a “damsel in distress.” Every story needed a “Dark Lord.” And every bad haircut now comes with “convenient amnesia” and an “unexpected twin.”

It’s not a life. It’s a low-budget soap opera written by a chatbot with a head injury.

You can thank me later.

Not me turning 60 and realizing I survived rotary phones, cassette tapes, and lead paint...only to be taken out by “I was today years old” for the 147th time this week.

If you know, you know.

If you don’t… congratulations. You’re probably still using full sentences.

Anyway, I’ll be over here - aging like a VFW bar stool:

cracked, loud, possibly unsafe, but somehow maybe the most honest thing in the room.

Don’t mind me. Just having fun with the words and phrases we’re all constantly bombarded with.

Peace out… n’at.




Since you made it this far, you might want to check out an excerpt from the book I'm currently writing. 

CLICK HERE OR DON'T


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