You Might Be An Asshole

 You might be an asshole. You might not. You might be an asshole one minute and not one the next. There are times when I'm an asshole. In fact, it's a running joke between my better half and myself. I'll often say to her, "Babe, your old man is really an asshole." She'll usually laugh, agree, and then ask, "What did you do now?"

I don't try to be an asshole. I guess you could say it comes naturally. I try to be kind, and understanding, and tolerant. But...some days I'll see or hear something so blatantly ignorant or ridiculous that the asshole in me comes bubbling to the surface. Some days I'm amazed at my ability to contain the asshole in me. Today is one of those days, although, it's still early.

This morning, a friend, out of the blue, started messaging me diabetes memes. As a diabetic, I've pretty much seen all of them. Especially the Wilfred Brimley ones. When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I started up The Wilfred Brimley Society (Eat Your Damned Oatmeal). As a number of my friends and contemporaries have been diagnosed with it as well, I always send them a copy of The Wilfred Brimley Society card (so that they can proudly admit to being a member in good standing of a growing minority). I also offer up any bit of advice that might help. I offer up my own story, and my personal tips for how I keep mine under control (my doc often compliments me on how well I keep it under control). As for the memes, when I was first diagnosed, I used to post them. It was my typical response to personal stress. Self-depricating humor and flipping the bird at the problem. It doesn't cure it. It doesn't really help it but it does help ME. If some folks find it entertaining, well fucking goody goody. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not here to entertain anyone. (more about that later)

As for my friend, who I am certain wasn't trying to be malicious, it all started with my friend sending this meme, out of nowhere.

Yep, I've seen it before. I don't particularly care for it as it's pretty stupid. As I was neither in the mood for it, nor was I in the mood for anything confrontational, I replied with the following photo of MY OWN PERSONAL GLUCOMETER (the thingy I use to check my blood sugar BECAUSE I HAVE DIABETES)

 

One would think this would have clearly communicated, in a friendly and polite way, a reminder that I'm diabetic and MAYBE, just MAYBE the meme was construed as in bad taste; or at least of dubious timing. 

Unlike many folks, I rarely, if ever, post my problems online. I rarely discuss them outside of the house. Period. I'm not big on asking for random advice or help. I don't feel the need to air my dirty laundry in public either.  I try to enjoy as quiet a life as possible. My life is probably pretty dull to most folks. A lot of time spent with my kitties and the squirrel friends. I'm not terribly social. It's not that I don't like people; I just have few occasions to go anywhere. I'm happiest at home. 

Just because I don't talk about my own issues doesn't mean that they don't exist. Oh, they do!  If I was so inclined, I could ramble on about the ongoing struggle of adjusting to a post-stroke life. I could give a daily monologue about the difficulty I have walking or the amount of physical pain I live in. But I don't. 

I could entertain the social media voyeurs with tales of my financial struggles, employment issues, family troubles, etc. I find no catharsis in any of that. I've learned enough to sort out most of my own problems without the added benefit of whining and crying to the wolves. 

But...today this shit pissed me right the fuck off. 

I'm generally pretty thick skinned. It takes a fair bit to elicit a truly emotional response from me but this got me really angry. ("You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." - B. Bannon) Just one of those days. I can take a number of educated guesses as to WHY it pissed me off but suffice to say that it did. 

I'm lucky enough to have a significant other who honestly takes the time to get me. As I was ubercranky, I chatted with her a bit. I pointed out the following, which she asked if it was a quote. No such luck dear reader, just the mess that often brews in my head:

'You wanna know what I find HILARIOUS? Grown adults with a history of shitty life choices who try blame their problems on everything from mental health issues to others being mean and not kowtowing to their every whim...who continue doing the same shit over and over well into their 50s-60s-70s without ever once taking responsibility for their own lives! Fucking mirth right there! How about those hilarious fuckers who put people down because they have a faith or belief system that others might not? A fucking laugh riot! Almost as funny as racism.'

There's no worse beating than the ones we get from those closest to us. I get it almost daily. People trying to be humorous or share some bit of bullshit online wisdom. I am insulted on a regular basis and more often than not by people not meaning to do so. 

We'll call this a reminder. I'm a man of faith. My faith is more important to me than any person alive. Without it, I have very little reason to continue in a dark, hate-filled world. In my faith I find strength. I find the ability to see the beauty in the world. It enables me to look for the good in even the worst people and their actions. Yet, many insult that faith on a regular basis. People like to claim that there's no proof of God's existence. The fact that I haven't seriously fucked YOU up is all the proof you need. Without my faith I would be a very different person. I used to be that person. I know him well. My faith gives me the ability to keep him at bay. Remember the old saying: there are no atheists in a foxhole. Ain't many atheists on the day of a surprise math quiz either. So, the next time you want to talk smack about my faith, don't be surprised if I just throw you out of my life. You won't be the first person I've had to turn my back on and know that it hurts me deeply to ever have to do so. Pray that I don't give up my faith. If I do, and I opt for a more self-serving life, you will likely become my prey. And there ain't a damned thing you'll ever be able to do about it. 

Please understand that I live with an ever-growing number of health problems. To me, it's no big deal. I'm used to it. I was born premature. I spent the first 4-6 weeks of my life in a plastic box. I was a sickly kid. Aside from a few decent years in my 20s, I've dealt with one thing or another almost every day of my life. I literally live in pain. I love when nurses ask if I'm in pain. I laugh and usually say something like "no more than usual". I have at least two disorders that I live with wherein my body is attacking itself. My own body and my own blood are trying to kill me! This makes me tougher than most, even when/if I don't want to be. It also helps me be understanding of the problems of others. But guess what? Some days I just don't give a damn. This morning was definitely one of those times. I hope I can be forgiven for that.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy humor. It has kept me alive. Just never assume that I'll be open to cruel humor or purely stupid humor. I'm stuck in warzone of a body. I'm usually deep in thought or trying to get through more pain than I feel like dealing with. If you don't live like this, consider yourself lucky. If you feel that you just have to show me something like that, try asking me how I'm doing first. Hardly anyone ever asks that. I probably won't ever give a detailed answer. I usually don't feel like sharing that part of me and most people really don't need to know. Just because you can't see it, at this very moment, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. 

OK, I promised more clarity on being entertaining. I often enjoy entertaining people. A good laugh, a good story, a bit of art or music, is always good to share. Just never expect me to do it. That's a lot to live up to. There are times when an artist/musician/writer/comic/etc. JUST DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT. So don't ask. To do so is an obscene level of arrogance. I'm not a trained monkey nor is anyone else in the arts. If I want to share some of my art or music with you, I will. Understand, that when I do, I am literally giving you a piece of my life, my soul, my heart. It's not available to most of you On Demand. And it never will be. I've made sure to put a lot of my art and music online, available to you 24/7. What more do you want? It's not my place to make you feel special. Ask yourself, do you really want to give that much power to a man who admits to occasionally being an asshole?