Bitchathon

I'm grumpy today...so I'll bitch. I probably don't bitch enough...basically because I tend to be a happy, content man. I have problems, just like everyone else - so I usually don't complain. We all tend to bring shit and misery on ourselves.

That said, it's time for a Metzger Bitchathon.

I'm sick. No, I don't mean I have the flu bug going around - although how I've lucked out thus far is beyond me. I have a lot of health problems. Some, I've probably exacerbated, but never asked for in the first place. I have arthritis. I'm half deaf. I'm slowly going blind in my left eye. I have memory problems. I have a bad ticker. In the cold, winter months I am more aware of it. I pay a lot of attention to what my body does and what it's telling me. As part of my heart is quite literally dead meat, it takes a lot more work on the remaining part to do the job. Staying warm and comfortable is a lot of work for the body.

I also suffer from not one but two chronic sleep disorders. For starters, I have chronic obstructive sleep apnea. In short, I tend to stop breathing frequently when I sleep. My body will jerk awake for a split second, usually without me being aware of it. My blood oxygen levels drop to dangerous levels and when I do finally wake up, I feel like I'm on some really bad drugs. I really can't recall ever having a good night's sleep. The docs have tried things like CPAP masks (a torture device if there ever was one) for me but I'm one of the many that they don't work well for. When I use them, I'm prone to night terrors and worse, panic attacks. Once, the power went out in the middle of the night while I was wearing the damned thing and I nearly suffocated. Lots of fun, really. The cause of this sleep apnea is most likely my giant, over sized, constantly inflamed tonsils...which although I've had tonsillitis 40 TIMES, no doctor has ever had the brilliant idea to yank them out. If I EVER have health insurance again, these fuckers are coming out! 47 years of obstructed airway is enough, thanks.

I also have chronic insomnia. I don't mean the typical "I didn't sleep well last night". No sir. There are two main types of insomnia; slow sleep (which means it takes forever to fall asleep) and premature waking (which means waking up before the body is rested). Lucky me, I have both. So, it takes me forever to fall asleep. When/if I do, the apnea kicks in. I lay there suffocating all night, and then my body keeps trying to wake itself up long before the sleep process is finished. Sleep, which most take for granted, is for me, pun intended, a nightmare. If I never had to sleep again, I'd be thrilled. Unfortunately, that ain't an option. Sleep is important for the body. If you've ever tried to function without sleep, you already know this. Now imagine 47 years of it. My sleep disorders put me at high risk for a number of fun little ailments...like heart attacks (had one!), kidney problems, stroke, high blood pressure (got it!), and a whole bunch more. Remember...this is every night for me. Not just once in a while...every night.

A few years back, I went through a much worse than usual patch where during a six week period, I averaged 20 minutes sleep per day. This wasn't a consecutive 20 minutes either. More like 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. I was a zombie. I took to self-medicating with caffeine and cocaine just to function. Not my best idea.

As it turns out, the coma I was in back in 2002 had seriously screwed up my serotonin levels. Mucho important for sleep! After six weeks of this and a mild psychotic episode, I was hospitalized for 4 days. The first day, I slept for over 20 hours. Mind you, this wasn't restful sleep. The apnea and premature waking insomnia was still there. When it appeared I was sleeping "normally" again, I checked myself out of the hospital, against medical advice.

The docs put me on an antidepressant...and it actually worked! The first night on it, I fell asleep around 11pm and woke around 7am. I felt pretty good. Groggy from my low blood oxygen levels (I'm used to that) but all thing considered, I felt pretty good. Too good to be true usually is. After a week or so, I developed tremors in my arm. Bad ones. I had to keep my hand in my pocket or my arm would just shake. Doc told me to stop the antidepressant IMMEDIATELY. Seems my body was gearing up for a major seizure. Just what I needed. I stopped the pills and my sleep went back to shit.

I've survived two bouts of cancer. I'm too stubborn to let something like that get in my way, so I just dealt with it. Saw the docs as needed. The basal cell carcinoma left me cut up and bloody. Imagine a cut bleeding nonstop for over a week. Now imagine a bunch of them. On my face, chest, and back. When the doc cut away the cancer, that's what I was left with. That and a bunch of pills to take every day. I ruined sheets and shirts but beat it pretty quickly. My 2nd bout, with prostate cancer, was to me, a non-event. The worst part for me was having to go and have blood drawn all the time and having my big, fat Polish doc's finger up my ass every week. Through a miracle, I beat the cancer. It literally just vanished. I'm sure my doc was thrilled to not have to play 'finger puppet' with me anymore.

Back to the coma. I won't go into the where's how's and why's, suffice to say "shit happens". I died for 7 minutes then spent a week or so in a coma. Long story short, I was left with brain damage resulting in short term memory problems. I have little memory of certain parts of my life and I go through an amazing array of rituals to remember things now. Doesn't always work either. My girlfriend and I can discuss something, and two hours later I have no recollection of it. I shrug it off...but this has to be hard on her. I'm really lucky to have her in my life. She's the main reason I rarely bitch. She's a good woman.

In 2007, I had a massive heart attack. I had gone through a seriously bad financial patch and was coming out the other side when it happened. If the heart attack wasn't bad enough, I had no health insurance. I almost had another heart attack when I got the $80,000.00 bill for it. That plus the $600 a month I now had to spend on medicine...talk about fucked.

The pharmacist and my docs worked together and got my medicine costs down to about $200 a month, but with zero income, it still didn't matter. I was lucky enough to have friends and family in the medical field, so I was able to get most of my meds for free for a good while. Finally, the doc took me off of my most expensive meds and my monthly bill was down to about $75. Even just working as a musician and King Of All Things Freelance (writing, photography, truck driving), I was able to swing that.

I worked for 25 years in the MH/MR (mental health/mental retardation) field. I loved it. My 2nd day back to work after the heart attack, I was attacked by a client. I pushed him off of me. His family filed assault charges and after nearly 3 years of harassing the DA and dragging me into court after court, I was found guilty. It had taken me 2 years to find a job in my field again...and I was lucky. My boss at the time was cool with the whole situation. She valued my work, my knowledge, and my years of experience. Two years ago, thanks to our fascist governor, there was a 60% across the board funding cut to our field. The site that I worked at, and worked hard to keep under budget, was closed down. Why? We were too efficient. I spent my last two months there doing my regular work plus trying to find new supports for my clients. I was officially unemployed January 1, 2012. That was two years ago.

I was unemployed for all of 2012. 2013 found me working a temp job doing computer crap for a corporate pharmacy. Not the best job but not the worst. That ended in May. In June, I started working a factory job. It made all of my health problems worse...but I kept at it until a little d-bag with a chip on his shoulder thought he'd make life difficult for me. The physical threats started. I can only take so much. After it was made clear that management wasn't going to do anything, I explained to this little shit stain that I already had one assault charge on my record...a second probably wouldn't make my life any worse. IF I had to go that route, I would make damned sure it was worth it. I thought he was going to shit himself.

The next day, I quit. I could not allow myself to be put into that situation. My life was already a mess, I didn't need to allow myself into a situation that would make it worse. I spent the summer painting houses, offices, and apartments and working as a musician. I had to sell my car. I was getting by.
As fall came along, the work dried up. I had to start selling off gear and some collectibles, as well as working as a musician and writer. The money came in dribs and drabs...enough to keep me afloat. Again, my better half was a Godsend. No unemployment left for me, and I've fought going on disability for years. I feel I can work, so that's what I would rather do.

The holidays came and went. I had been looking at a well-paying holiday party gig and a NYE gig...those would have got me through January, but nope...shit happens. They both fell through. It happens.

 I'm still looking for work...but with a criminal record and a mess of health problems, I'm not exactly the most desirable hire option out there.  I have an amazing resume...and employers are excited at first...until they realize that their company policies won't allow them to hire me.

My arthritis hurts bad these days. Yesterday, I could barely use my left hand. That's really bad for a musician. I don't have a car anymore, so I have to walk most places. Cold weather + arthritis + bad ticker = This Sucks In Too Many Ways.

I'm just about broke. I don't mean "Gosh, money is kinda tight right now"...I mean I have a very small amount of money in the bank and a fuckload of bills eyeballing it like a hungry feral dog. I don't see any income on the horizon. I'm trying to sort out ways to keep the utilities on. Something has to happen soon.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to play a benefit. I'm not too fucking happy about it either. I feel bad for the guy the benefit is for. I don't know him. From what I understand, he had a seizure and broke his arm...and now can't work. That sucks. Really, it does. But part of me, a very small yet bitter part in the back of my mind asks "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER THROW A BENEFIT FOR ME????" Yeah I know...pity party...world's smallest violin playing sad sad songs for me. I have busted my ass for years...and all I gets the bone. I rarely complain. I find that to be counterproductive. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel...I keep applying for job after job. In the past three months, I've had one call back. Upon hearing about my misdemeanor conviction, they passed. I'm running out of options.

Next week I will be applying for welfare. I'm not happy about this. I have never asked for help before. I will probably be turned down. I will also be looking into filing for disability. I'm close to giving up. I have to file bankruptcy this year. I will probably have to stop playing music for a while. I can't continue to do shows that cost me money. I will keep on writing and writing music. All I have left is that, my girlfriend and her love & devotion to me, our cat and this house. And my friends. And this ashtray...and this paddle ball game....

I don't like to bitch. I don't like to complain. Yeah, I have it rough. So do many. There are lots of folks out there far worse off than I am. But dammit...I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm sick. I woke up yesterday morning and was awake until 8:30 this morning. I fell asleep, woke back up at 9:30, fell back asleep til 1. Fell back asleep til 2. I'm cold, exhausted, and feeling miserable. I don't like it. I feel helpless right now...and that's new for me. I wish I could focus right now...but I can't. There's too much going on. My brain won't stop.

If you read all of this....damn. I hope it shows you something. I don't know what...but I'm not you. Reading it back, all I see is a man venting. Sometimes, it's what one needs to do. It will get better.