Another year....

It's been another year since it happened. I thought after all these years it would get easier. It hasn't. If anything, I've merely grown accustomed to the hole in my life without you. I still get angry at the fuckers that you took you and so many others. Some days I can just about contain the anger...then I think of your smile and I'm "ok" again for awhile.

I think I've changed alot since I lost you. I think you'd love me even more (if that's possible). I think you'd be proud of how I handle things these days. I guess you could say I've "mellowed". I have to wonder what you'd be like today. I wonder what would have become of "us". I still think of you on your birthday. Hell, I still think about you almost everyday. I've got cancer again...I'm glad you don't have to go through that with me...you know what a младенец I can be when I'm sick. LOL

It amazes me how much I still miss you...even after all we went through. You still invade my dreams and my music. I can still feel your presence even after 9 years. While I'm still sad, I smile knowing that we were such large parts of each other's lives. I remember how we couldn't stand each other when we first met. I remember calling you an annoying bitch and you calling me an arrogant bastard. I remember seeing you at the party that changed our lives. I was leaving and you asked for a ride. I still think you deliberately got us lost just so you could spend more time with me! LOL I wonder how many more memories we could have made together.

My hair is going gray. I remember when I got my first gray hairs...and you pointed them out while we were driving after a rainstorm. Then the big truck came along and drenched you! LOL I always swore you caused my gray hairs...but it was funny seeing karma come along and drench you with puddle water! LOL The look on your face was priceless...and yet still absolutely beautiful. Even with your hair soaked and your wee bit of makeup all smeared, you were still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

There's someone in my life now. You'd like her. Who knows, maybe you had something to do with us finding each other. Wouldn't be the first time, would it? LOL Damn...I still laugh and smile when I think of you. What a beautiful way to memorialize someone!

The anniversary of your murder still gets people riled up. This year, some idiot preacher wanted to burn Korans. When will people learn? Aggression just begets more aggression. I've been studying Buddhism lately...and I think that despite your loathing of all things "religious", that you'd appreciate the sentiments of this particular faith. It's very "you".

Namaste my love. I'll see you when I close my eyes.

M