The Real Memphis Mike (don't settle for imitations)

Just had a kitchen accident. It's OK...the cats weren't hurt. Neither am I. However, a treasured family heirloom is gone gone gone. OK..."heirloom" might be a stretch. It was one of my grandmother's old mixing bowls. Your grandmother might have had one. Hell, you might have one. These things were sturdy and built to last! And...they have roosters on them. You know the ones. I can only imagine the thousands of meals that were prepared in this thing. I've never known life without this mixing bowl. I've eaten countless servings of popcorn from it. And now it's gone. I was making dinner. I had the front burner on, searing a roast. I thought I'd turned it off...but I'd only turned it down. Roast was in the oven, and I was doing dishes. As I needed sink room, I had set the bowl on the stovetop. As I was getting ready to reach for the bowl....KA-BLAMMMM!!!!!! It just shattered. Freaked me the hell out. The cats came in to see what was g...

I was just telling this story to a friend of mine (it's what us older guys do...we tell old stories) and he thought it was pretty damned funny. I've always thought it is...especially as I lived it. ERNIE & HOMER When I was in college, back in the 80s, I had a friend named Ernie. He had cerebral palsy and was in a wheelchair. He also had, by choice, a colostomy bag...which we referred to as "Homer". You'll find out why in just a bit. I'll admit, I thought that choosing to get a colostomy bag was a pretty radical idea. Being the kinda guy I am, I asked him about this choice. His answer was pretty simple and to the point. "I was really tired of shitting myself and having to wait for someone else to help me get cleaned up."  It really made sense! This was a young guy, in his mid 20s, with a dual degree in psych and criminology. He was bright! He lived on his own and handled his own affairs. There where, however, certain things he couldn't...

I wrote this over a decade ago. It's still just a bit of silliness...but some folks like it and some look forward to it. I hope it can bring you a smile. We need more of those these days. THANKSGIVUS Thanksgivus: that's what she called it. The 'she' in question would be a very short, loud, middle aged black woman with retardation who I supervised for years. Her name is Omega...fitting because she truly is THE END! Omega didn't exactly have a speech problem but I think her hearing wasn't 100% on the mark, as certain words would get slurred together such as "Thanksgivus". Another fave was her version of Social Security, which often sounded more like "sociable secretary" (of which I've known a few). Thanksgivus (which is what I now prefer to call the US holiday Thanksgiving) is the last Thursday of November (this is for my overseas friends who may not be fully knowledgeable of the subject). It is the holiday where we Americans give T...

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn't know what to do. She gave them some broth without any bread; And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed." You probably remember the old Mother Goose tale about the old gal in the shoe. Reading it now, its really rather disturbing. This is a tale of a woman at her wit's end...or that's how that Goose person wanted you to believe. Let's think about this: How old was she? 40s? 50s? She probably couldn't have been older, assuming that these kids are hers. And why did she keep having so damned many kids? Why didn't she keep her legs shut? JUST SAY NO! Where was the father in this story? There are many unanswered questions. I will put forth a possibility: The Old Woman in the Shoe was a prostitute. A Shoe-dweller of ill repute! At the time, birth control was not an option and abortions were often a death sentence. That she kept having the kids tells us a few thin...

(You can hear this HERE on my audiobook, Story Time With Memphis Mike) Having a heart attack is highly overrated. I don't recommend it for anyone. Worst of all, it wasn't anything like you see in movies. I was expecting the whole Fred Sanford moment, clutching at my chest and calling out "I'm coming home, Lord a-mighty I'm coming home!" No such luck. The day started pretty awful. I had been out late the night before to see a friend's band, in from California. I had been working 60-70 hour weeks and truly pushing myself to the limit. I woke up late and seriously, I felt like shit. A gal I had been dating had a really bad cold/bug, and she kept whining that it felt like she had a brick in her chest. I figured this is all it was, and I was mentally making plans to make her life hell for passing this malady on to me. I only had one client to see that day, but had scheduled a long day with him, so I was really dreading going in. I knew I should just st...

I am an American. I could shout "MERICA!!!!!! WE'RE #1!!!!!!" but....I'm still trying to sort out this whole numeric order; Who is #2? #7? What is the classification scale? I've spent a fair bit of time in other countries. I'd like to spend more time in other places. It has less to do with any personal dislike of my homeland as personal curiosity. I like checking out different places. I like experiencing new things. I found, in my travels, that Australia is a better fit for me in many ways...but not all. Their government wasn't too thrilled about me wanting to stay permanently. I get it We have a bad reputation. I discussed it with an immigration attorney friend of a friend there...seems we have a reputation for being unnecessarily violent. Ya think? One look at recent news and I can understand that perception of us. Many of my fellow Americans believe our own hype. We're the greatest! The best! Land of the FREE!!!! Home of the BRAVE!!!!! Many wou...

While some of you are filling your unders worrying that Lord Dampnut is going to get us into a war with the North Korean Fascionisto , I've been sitting here trying to figure out what He Of The Tiny Hands is really thinking. I believe I've got it. He was going to destroy ISIS in a matter of days. That FAILED to happen. Ban Muslims. FAILED. Build his wall and make our neighbors pay for it...FAILED. Repeal and Replace...FAILED. He's been trying everything his tiny mind can think of to undo anything and everything Obama did. Simply put, Obama really got under his skin. His perceived masculinity and self-worth are still so threatened by Barry O. & Co. that he has to find a way to at least match up. While he could start by being a man and showing off his tax returns (the LONG FORM please...you know, the LONG FORM ), we all know that isn't going to happen. He's too busy golfing, watching TV, still running for office, and declaring war on the media. While he shoul...