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Have you ever...

 Have you ever had to relearn your life? Think about it.

At 2 different points in my life (so far), I've had to relearn my life. In my mid-30s, I suffered a sudden onset medical condition that left me dead for 7 minutes, then spent a week in a coma. My girlfriend at the time left my side once, only to run to her aunt's house to take a shower (after a few days). She asked the docs if I would come out of the coma, and more importantly, what kind of shape would I be in. Would I be a drooling vegetable? Would I be able to walk, talk, and exist without 24/7 supervision? (OK, that one is still debatable) Would I be able to play guitar???? The docs were unable to answer these questions. 

When I did wake up, I seemed mostly normal. However, within a few days, it became clear that my memory was shot. I knew who I was and who most people were. I could still play guitar. My short-term memory was a joke. It took a while, but I was eventually able to remember things for more than 5 minutes. I was a 9-hour drive from home. My friends from Wales had changed their travel plans to house-sit for me and look after my dogs. I just wanted to go home. The day I planned to leave, only to discover I couldn't find my car keys. My girlfriend raced home to assist, only to find that I was holding them...but couldn't recognize that they were car keys. I was joking a lot, probably inappropriately, giving items the wrong name. When my girlfriend handed me my guitar, I told her that I didn't play tuba. She didn't find this particularly funny...but humor is the only way I know of to cope with such situations. After a month or so, I drove myself home from Tennessee to Pittsburgh. Then it was back to seeing different docs about the state of my brain.

I went through a few weeks of memory tests. At least the docs tell me I did. I honestly still don't remember. Although I suffered a lot of memory loss, I was deemed 'medically fit to return to work'. And so I did. I, luckily, had a lot of sick leave from my day job and had just finished recording an album prior to this medical mess. I was just happy to try to get back to normal. But it was my new normal...and at times it really sucked. 

I have very limited memory of my childhood. For years, I would ask my sister if this or that happened when we were kids. I had to rely on her to fill in the many, many blanks. Worst of all, the memories of some people just completely vanished. I remember running into a guy at the local gas station. He was so thrilled to see me! I guess we used to work together and were pretty close. I honestly had no idea who he was. I still don't. He looked so hurt when I had to explain that I had no clue who he was. I calmly explained what had happened to me but still, you could see the look in his eyes; just hurt and confused. I guess I looked and sounded normal but chunks of my mind were just gone. So I had to relearn a lot about myself, my past, and my present. A few months later, I ran into another friend, this time I vaguely remembered him. He'd heard I died! He screamed my name and started crying when he saw me. That was an interesting situation for sure! Again, I had to explain the situation. Having to do that was never fun, and still isn't. But sometimes it's necessary.

Within the next year, I discovered that I had lost a number of skills too. I was never great at reading music but now I'm essentially useless at it. I can slowly go note by note...but it'll take me an hour to read a 3-minute piece of music. Luckily, my ear training didn't seem to suffer, so I can still usually learn a song by ear. I lost a lot of my math skills, which was heartbreaking to me. I always liked math. I still do. It just takes me a lot longer to solve problems. I still often get lost working on equations. 

Social media became popular around the time I was going through all of this. In some ways it was helpful, but in some ways it was painful. I'd hear from long-lost friends and have no clue who they were. I can't count how many times I had to type an explanation of why I don't remember people. Others will have fond, vivid memories and I just draw blank after blank. I spent the better part of 10 years relearning my life and coming up with workarounds. I'm forever writing notes for myself and setting reminders on my phone. 

At one point, disability was discussed with me. I declined. I've always worked, and I figure I always will. The next 10 years were spent settling, comfortably, into my new normal.

2 years ago, I suffered 2 strokes. Here we go again. My short-term memory took a hit, as did my speech and physical abilities. I had to relearn how to walk, talk, use stairs, get in/out of the bathtub, and how to play guitar. The best I can explain it - it's like waking up in someone else's body. US Healthcare is really a lot different than it was 20 years ago, and not for the better. Sure, the docs drugged me up, thinned out my blood, and sent me home from the hospital, only to have a 2nd stroke 30 days after the 1st one. I blame that squarely on the nurse practitioner who changed my medications. I kept asking why I was seeing her rather than a neurologist. She was useless...but not as useless as the nurse practitioner I had to see after the 2nd stroke. She suggested I try a fad diet. That should fix me! My better half, Marina, is generally the sweetest human you will ever hope to meet. She was ready to punch this nurse practitioner's lights out. That afternoon, I sent a very long, detailed email to the acting head of the Stroke Clinic, CC'ing it to my doctor, my lawyer, and a friend in state government. Much to my amazement, I heard back within a few hours. After much apologizing for my less-than-satisfactory experience, he asked how I got his email. I suggested he concern himself more with whether or not I would be wallpapering my bathroom with his license, car title, and the deed to his house. My PCP got my medications sorted and I've been doing fine. Sure, I still have to use a cane at times. I tried going back to work, but my post-stroke brain had other ideas. A year later, I'm still not working and so far, getting any sort of help with disability has been impossible. And all the while, I'm having to relearn how to live my life. I've managed the big stuff. I can get around on my own. I can play guitar again. I earn a little bit of money that way. There are things I still have trouble with, but I find ways to work around them. I'm generally and genuinely in good spirits. I go through periods of deep, dark depression (and excessive misery - for those old enough to get the reference) but I find ways to bounce back.

I had to relearn my life again. I've learned that everything will be OK, if I let it be OK. Forward I shall go until I can't. Maybe 3rd time really is a charm. 

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