Robin Williams: Pissed Off!

Please, do NOT feel sorry for Robin Williams. Also, do NOT try to turn him into a martyr. He committed suicide...the most selfish act a person can do. Yeah...you read that correctly. He was selfish.

I've lived with suicidal depression most of my life. I've fought it and fought hard. It does NOT get easier. Depression sucks. It drains your energy and your desire. Every now and then, I'm lucky and have a few days where my suicidal impulses don't pop up. But then, like a rash or an old friend, they're back. I've learned that this is nothing more than my brain misfiring. While I do know this, it doesn't stop, or even slow down, my suicidal impulses. It doesn't fix my depression.  It does, however, keep me from acting on these impulses. Also, I am a very blessed man in a lot of ways. I have people in my life that I know love me and care about me...like my better half. Whenever a really strong suicidal impulse kicks in, and I'm seriously thinking about gulping down all of my pills, slicing an artery, or hanging myself (these are the 3 most common ideations that pop into my head), I am able to stop myself by imagining how hard it would be on her, to come home and find me like that. I just can't do it. I'm not that fucking selfish. The suicidal impulses are still there...but I manage to stop myself. The pain is still there, as is the daily misery of it...but I will not put another person through that. I may be a failure at a lot of things in this world, but I at least try to not add to anyone else's misery.

I always looked up to Robin Williams. Sure, I enjoyed his comedy and his movies...but I also saw him for who he was. Those of us who have been labeled by society as 'mentally ill' often tend to recognize each other. Like me, Robin Williams was an addict. It, all too often,goes with the territory. I've managed to keep my addictions under some level of control. Robin Williams had trouble with that. I won't fault the man for that. I know how hard it is. I secretly applauded him every time that I read he was re-admitting himself to a rehab program. I knew that he was fully aware of his condition. Just like I am. He had recently been in rehab...again. The problem with most rehab programs is...they don't work. These programs (wrongly) assume that we will follow through on the never-ending maintenance care that goes with it. These programs fail to realize that those of us who enter these programs are fucked up people. These programs don't fix us. We're simply more well-adjusted fuck ups when we leave.

Robin Williams was a selfish son-of-a-bitch. He left behind his wife, his kids, his friends. Screw the fans. He gave us what we wanted. He was never going to live forever. But he left those closest to him with a lifetime of misery. Will his wife ever forget finding him and calling 911? Will his kids ever forget being told that their father committed suicide? Man, that's some seriously selfish bullshit.

Yes, depression is one of the most awful things a person can live with. I live with it. I know. I routinely pray for it to end. My suicidal impulses kick in and tell me that I CAN END IT. But I won't. I will not cause that level of grief, misery, and anger to anyone...especially not anyone that I love. I'm just not that selfish.

Those of you reading this who didn't know this about me...well, SURPRISE! I know that people often see me as jovial, full of life, and disturbingly optimistic. You see that side of me because that's all YOU need to know. I have no desire to bog you down with what I deal with privately every single God-damned day. You don't need to know about it. While I'm sure many of you would like to help...you can't. It doesn't work like that. I know what I have to live for...and I hang on to that like a life line. It still doesn't stop the depression or the suicidal impulses. They are as autonomic to me as blinking or breathing. I can't stop it. Sure, I tried medication. In our society, it's almost impossible not to! In my case, the medication gave me a week of normalcy. I actually slept like a normal person. I felt good. And then my body said "ENOUGH!" and fought the poison I was putting into me. The tremors started. I was working my way to a full-on seizure. Oh joy! The risk of more brain damage! Just what I want! Not! When I told the doc what was happening, he told me to stop the medication immediately. This was, by the way, the safest medication known for my condition. The others would have brought about worse side effects. So, I opted for a life without the meds. For that, I got the return of the depression, the insomnia, and the suicidal impulses.

Robin Williams gave up and gave in to his impulses. I can understand why...but I cannot condone it. In short, he was a selfish prick. I feel bad that he couldn't trust anyone enough to talk to them. Maybe that's where he & I differ. I learned that sometimes I have to do just that. Talk to someone. It's sad that he couldn't.

Many will say things like, "I can't imagine the pain he must have been in!" Damned right you can't. But I can. The past month has been one of my worst in a long time, when it comes to depression and suicidal impulses. I don't know why it has been...but it has. 2-3 times a day, that overwhelming urge to just end it strikes...and then it's a matter of stopping myself. As soon as it calms down a bit, the next wave hits and I have to do it again. I have to do all of this in addition to living my life...a life which many have remarked to me as being such an amazing and interesting life. Damned right it is. It has to be.

There is no message in Robin Williams' suicide. Look for one all you want. He was just one of the millions of us who deal with this every day. He was just, finally, selfish enough to give in. And I'm pissed off as hell about it. He made it 63 years living with it. He had a wife and three kids. He was successful. But he was also selfish. For that, I blame him. I blame our self-centric society. But at the end of the day, I have to blame him for being selfish and giving up. My deepest sympathies go to his family, his friends, and anyone effected by his suicide. My anger goes to Robin Williams, and all of the others who opted for the easy way out. Maybe that's my own selfishness. When I hear about others committing suicide, that little voice in my head says, "See! THEY did it! So can YOU!" and the impulses come on strong and fast. But, I will force myself through this, like I always do. Like I HAVE to do. I will not do that to the people I care about. I will not become a sad anniversary.

My maternal grandmother committed suicide. She gassed herself in the car. My mother and her twin sister both lived with depression. I live with it. It's a fucking disease people. We don't ask for it. We don't do anything special to get it. You can't catch it. But some of us have it. Probably someone you know. Possibly someone you care about. Don't label us. Don't coddle us. Hold us accountable for our actions. It makes us stronger. It's easy to be weak and selfish. It's difficult to be strong and hold on. More difficult than you'll ever realize and more difficult than Robin Williams could handle anymore.