Owls

I've had some issues with owls. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike them, but, they have, on occasion, scared the crap out of me. In fact, I'll tell you a couple of owl stories...feel free to laugh and then remind me of it every time you see me...which happens. I'm glad y'all are still reading this silliness!

I used to live in a small town in Ohio called New Philadelphia. It was about a 30 or so minute drive from where my dad had a "vacation" home at Tappan Lake. His 2nd wife never really liked the place, so dad had stopped going there. I'd stop out once a month or so to check on the place for him, and if something needed repaired, I'd take care of that too.

It was a nice little place with 2 bedrooms, front and back porches, fireplace, and a number of black walnut trees on the property. I learned to loathe black walnuts. If you've ever hit one with a lawnmower and had it come flying back at you, you'll understand why. They're kinda like nature's golf balls.

One day, I decided I'd better check on the place, as a pretty bad storm had blown through the area. Good thing I did! The window in the one bedroom had been broken, presumably by a black walnut blown off one of the trees. It was nearing dusk, so I figured I'd grab some wood out of the shed, and board up the window.

Once I had that finished, I decided I'd go clean up any broken glass in the room. The room itself was a decent size, with 2 sets of bunk beds, 2 old 1940's dressers, a closet, and a big round mirror. There were only 2 lights in the room; one on the nightstand between the beds (it had been knocked over) and the other on the wall opposite the door, right near the foot of one of the top bunks.

As I entered the room, I heard something definitely critter-like. This wasn't going to be good. I knew it. But, whatever it was, quickly made it's way out through the space between the window and the board, so I didn't have to confront it. However, this did get me to thinking that as well as broken glass, I might have some sort of critter poo to clean up. I made my way across the darkened room to where I knew the light was. As I flicked on the light, a big-ass barn owl started flapping it's massive wings at me! Apparently, it had been perched right at the foot of the top bunk...probably in wait to devour whatever critter I had previously heard!

Needless to say, this scared this crap out of me. I would say that I merely jumped back, and then grabbed the owl and put him outside...but that would be a lie. The reality is more like this: I screamed like a bitch and ran out of the room. Once out of the room, I turned back around to see what the hell was in that room...and it was just an owl. Now the only question was HOW THE HELL DO I GET AN OWL OUT OF THE HOUSE????

If you've ever had a bird in the house, then you know how fun it is to get them OUT of the house. Now, make that bird an owl...a large, terrified (by me) owl. Mr. Owl wanted away from me and I wanted Mr. Owl out of the house. This should be easy, right? Guess again.

I opened both the front and back doors, so Mr. Owl would have a choice of escape routes. I grabbed a broom and started trying to shoo the owl out. Of course...this didn't work. Mr. Owl flew out of the room and into the kitchen and main living area. He should have just flown right out the front door, but in his obviously agitated state, was thinking less clearly than he should have been. Owls make a lot of noise when they're scared. I was mostly just muttering, "Shit", "Fuck" and "Dammit". A lot. This owl wasn't going to leave on his own. The broom was nowhere near as effective as I'd hoped. It was time for Plan B. Only problem...I didn't have a Plan B. (Note to reader and self: ALWAYS have a Plan B!)

I sat down at the kitchen table, lit a cigarette, and tried to figure out just what the hell to do about this owl. I could have just said "Screw this", locked him in there for a week, and just come back later and scooped up the corpse, but that would mean a 2nd trip to Tappan Lake, and I just didn't want to. Also, I'm not that cruel. I also couldn't allow myself to be bested by an owl...although, it was looking more and more likely that I would be.

Having only one idea left, which should tell you everything you need to know about how much I cared about this situation, I went into the master bedroom, and grabbed a sheet from the cupboard. I figured, if I could throw this over the owl, I'd be able to bunch it up and put him outside, so he could go back to his owl world and regale his owl friends with his own version of this story (which would probably go something like, "So, I'm just sitting there, minding my own business, waiting to eat a critter, and this deranged human comes along, tries to blind me with a bright light and then starts screaming and trying to kill me with a broom! Seriously Frank, I was terrified!").

If you've never tried to throw a sheet over a moving owl, let me tell you...it's not fun. It also takes numerous tries. I literally spent at least an hour trying to do this. I was close to giving up, when Mr. Owl decided to perch on the back of the couch. He looked as worn out as I was. We just looked at each other, with sort of a "What the hell are we doing?" look...but like I said, I was NOT going to be bested by an owl. We continued our staring contest for a few minutes, while I slowly inched towards the couch. Mr. Owl wasn't moving. He did, however, poop on the couch. Owl poop stinks. I finally got the sheet over him, and got him outside. Mr. Owl seemed resigned to conquest, and didn't move much. It might have been shock...who knows...but once out on the porch, I carefully pulled the sheet off of him so he could fly away. Instead, he popped up onto the porch rail, and just looked at me. I turned around and closed the screen door, and Mr. Owl finally flew away.

I went back in and still had broken glass, critter poo, owl poo, and what I can only guess was the remnants of Mr. Owl's dinner, to clean up. My routine, 20 minute inspection took hours to complete. I was tired, sweaty, and chuckling to myself about the situation. I finished up, locked up the house, and drove back home to New Philly. I called dad when I got home to tell him the story. I told him I should charge him for this...and most dads probably would have agreed. Not Clyde. He was more concerned with whether or not I boarded up the window correctly and if I could go back and air the place out to get rid of the stench of critter poo stains.  I love my dad...but he's one of the reasons I drink.

If this isn't enough of a tale...I have another. Not quite as lengthy but every bit as entertaining.

If you've ever been to my house, you know what it's like. For those that haven't, it's an old Cape Code style house, lots of trees, and a mess of woods out back. We get a lot of critters through the yard. I've seen more than my share of deer, ground hogs, squirrels, raccoons, foxes, birds galore...and even the odd duck and Canadian goose. My upstairs bathroom window looks out over the back yard, and there's an evergreen right near the window...which gives a nice bit of privacy, should anyone for some odd reason want to try to look up into my bathroom. We occasionally get critters on the roof too. So far this summer, it's been a busy season for the raccoons. I'm starting to believe that my roof has become a popular mating spot for them.

But, this story is about owls...or, one owl in particular.

Some years back, I recall waking at around 2am to use the toilet. This is unusual only in the fact that it was 2am and I was already asleep...so I must have still been working down in the Strip District, as that was one of the few times in my life that I worked "normal people" hours.

As I said, the upstairs bathroom window looks out on the back yard. The toilet is right near the window (ventilation!). Beneath the window dormer is a small bit of roofing, and a gutter. (I tell you this, just to set the scene) When this was my grandmother's house, she would keep a small nightlight in the bathroom, for those late night visits. I used to as well...but often when the bulb would burn out, I'd leave it for months. I have no problem with just flicking on the light. Probably better that I do because, as we all know, us guys need all the help we can get when it comes to "aiming".

So, as I said, it's around 2am, I've just woke from a deep sleep, and am standing by the window, relieving myself. "HOO! HOO!" Scared the hell out of me! A damned owl was peeking right in the window and started making noise at me! Seeing what I was doing, he was probably thinking I was strangling a snake. Startled, I yelled at Mr. Owl, he flapped his big ass wings at me and took off. Yes...I made a mess. Damned owl scared the piss outta me.