DON'T F*&#ING ASK!!!!!!!!!

Q: How do you ask a musician/entertainer/artist to do shit for FREE for your favorite charity, fundraising entity, non-profit organization?

A: You don't.

Asking us to do for you, what many of us do for a living, for FREE, is an insult to us. Many will appear to take the high road** on this...I, however, will not.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for benefits and charities. Over the years, I've given my money, time, and talents to many. I did so because I chose to...not because I was asked to. I do so because the charities that I contribute my time/money/talent to mean something to me...just like your favorite charitable organization means to you. It doesn't make one better than another. In fact, many are really pretty crooked...but that's a story for another time.

So, a guy calls me today, under the pretense of buying some gear that I have for sale. I can tell he's trying to make small talk...to get on my good side. If you've ever engaged in a business transaction with me, chances are you know that this isn't going to happen. I prefer to get to the point and take care of business.

Mr. Dude starts asking all sorts of ridiculous questions about the gear and I am patiently waiting to answer his questions and get to the point. He mentions "negotiating a price"...I stop him there. There will be no negotiations. My terms were clear from the get go...not open to interpretation or negotiation. Finally...he gets to his point.

He asks if I still do solo shows. He enjoys my solo blues work and would like me to perform at a benefit for his favorite charitable organization....for free. The S.O.B. isn't even seriously asking about the gear he allegedly called about...what he wants is FREE entertainment. I promptly suggested he insert a large, blunt object into his nether regions and attempt to bring himself to climax....just not in those particular words.

This man has just shown me everything I need to know about him, his charity, his opinions of my work, and how much he plans to ask me to do for free. He contacted me under false pretenses, and then tries to get me to work for free. Try that the next time you need a plumber. See just how far it gets you.

Am I saying that people shouldn't give to charities? No. Am I saying that artists shouldn't donate their time/energy/talent to these charities? No. I'm saying don't ask. Most artists, writers, musicians, entertainers-in-general, are very giving, caring, and generous people. We give...and give...and give. I know many of us living doubles lives. We have our art, that we're known for, and our "real job", which for many of my cohorts and colleagues, involves the education/social work/medical fields. A lot of us are drawn to that work. Not all...but a good number. Many artists will freely give their time, effort, and talent to charities that they believe in or are already connected to.

While we would all love to see an end to world hunger, suffering, and the plight of paralytically pretentious pugbabies,(aka The PPP) it's just not feasible to ask us to work for free. Guess what, if that's all that we do, the next charity will be The Broke & Starving Artists of America Who Worked For Free For Too Long Foundation (The BS2A2W3FTLF).

If you are working on behalf of your favorite charitable foundation, do yourself, the community, the charity, and the artists whose work you want for free, a favor. Spend more time on education. Let us know what it is you're doing. Do it all honestly. People WILL be drawn to you then. Heck, I might even offer up a night of free entertainment for your next fundraiser. Just don't ever call me out of the blue, under false pretenses, and then try to guilt trip me.  My number one charity is simply called Mike's Bills. That gets my time, effort, talent, and money before anything else. And as no one else is contributing to Mike's Bills, I tend to get cranky when lying parasites call me, asking me to work for free. That shit don't flush.

** Those that do agree to do FREEBIES do so for the following reasons...and rarely does it involve being charitable.

• The #1 reason is for exposure. These people believe that performing gratis for a crowd of people will attract these same people to the artist's talent in future...in short, they'll start coming to all of their gigs/galleries/what have you. This is most likely not the case. Many times, the artist is politely ignored or worse, asked to turn down...or play something else...or any number of things. Most folks in the fundraising biz know very little about the entertainment biz. These two worlds can often clash.
• The #2 reason is that the artist in question has placed no value whatsoever on his/her time and/or talent. That's fine. But...if you don't place a value on it, no one else will either. Chances are, you're not the fundraiser's first choice. You're probably being given the opportunity to work for free because some else has already turned them down.
• #3...some will perform for free because they actually do care about the charitable foundation. However, in these cases, the artist has usually offered up their services rather than being approached to do so. I have done this in the past...and will probably do so again...provided I find a charity that isn't lining someones pockets. (and please...I don't want to hear how YOUR favorite charity doesn't/wouldn't do that...I know better)

Just in case you're wondering, here's a list of some of the charities that I've been involved with over the years: The American Heart Association, Special Olympics, AIDS Research, The American Cancer Society, Animal Friends, The ASPCA, The RSPCA, Amnesty International, Feed The Children, and many more. See! I'm not a heartless, money-grubbin' SOB! When I can, I donate. When I have time, I donate that. When all else fails, I do my best to educate people as to the concerns of these and many other organizations.