Piece of Dick

I have a foul mouth. Always have. Even as a kid I could let loose a torrent of expletives that could make a truck driver blush. I'm not really sure where it came from. Mom rarely said more than "damn" and Dad's preferred swearing was "God dammit!" (usually aimed at myself, my brothers, or any combination of the 3 of us).

My freewheeling use of the "f-bomb" could drive my Aunt Ann into a tizzy. "Do you HAVE to use that word? And so often????" I always pointed out that it's 'just a word' and likely came from legal terminology for "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge"....although just how true this is is beyond me.

Once, in about 6th grade, I let a loud and clear "Shit!" emanate during math class. I probably would've gotten in more trouble except it was one of the few times that I didn't stammer, so I think my teacher was more in shock than anything. In fact, I think she informed my speech therapist that the trick to ending my stammer was tied in with cursing.

Mind you, when I was a kid, swearing meant a lot more than it does now. Any school kid today knows pretty much most of the swear words that I took a lifetime to accumulate. Back then, you were lucky to hear "damn" on TV, unless it was a show about beavers. George Carlin's career was pretty much solidified by his "7 Dirty Words You Can't Say On TV". Along came Richard Pryor and all hell broke loose. He could outswear the best of them! And he was funny too! The grownups back then all complained and wanted to know if it was possible for these comedians to be funny without swearing. Personally, I liked it. I found cursing and swearing added emphasis to any conversation.

By my 30s, swearing was so much a part of my vernacular, that I didn't really even notice it anymore. I'd say "How the fuck are ya?" to the local preacher when I ran into him. He didn't seem to mind.

I got a real education on cursing when I started traveling overseas. When we think of British swearing, most Americans think of the word "bloody". Well let me tell ya...from firsthand experience, they cuss a bloody lot more than that! My good friend and one-time UK booking agent 2-Tone was, and probably still is, brilliant at letting his expletives fly. However, being an Englishman (although he swears he's Welsh...but that's a story for another day) his cursing is greatly different than American swearing. Sure, he'll use "damn", "shit", and the occasional "fuck/fucking"...but he takes it all to new heights with words like "twat" and "pillock". He suffers from intense road rage, as obviously he's the only person in all of the UK with complete and utter knowledge of the correct way to drive and he obviously believes all other drivers should adhere strictly to the traffic codes. That said, my all-time favorite swear of his happens most often while he's driving. Someone will do something on the road that gets his ire up, and he'll let forth with a mighty "Get out of the way you great dozy twat!" which is usually followed by "bloody pillock!". This always got a laugh from me. I've many times taken the thunder from his road rage by pointing out that, at least in American English, a "dozy twat" would be a "sleepy vagina". This would bring gales of laughter from anyone else in the car...but 2-Tone would just turn red as a steamed lobster and I'm personally surprised that his head never exploded.

Not to be outdone are the Australians. Before my first trip there, I'd never really thought of them as a swearing people. Sure, they might let a "crikey" slip now and then...but from phone conversations I'd had with my friend Mark, he always seemed seriously taken aback when I'd call him "fucker". I never meant it in a harsh way, just things like "Damn fucker...that was funny!" He asked if "motherfucker" was also used with great frequency by Americans, to wit I agreed that yes, it was.

Upon arriving in Australia, I found that the Aussies have us ALL beat when it comes to swearing. Their lexicon of profanities is almost glorious in it's beauty. To call it creative would be an understatement. In Oz, I learned such now favorite terms as "fuckwit" and "fuck knuckle" (both of which I learned from an Australian preacher). They can "hell" "damn" "shit" "piss" (their word for beer) "fuck" motherfuck" and just about anything else better than anyone I've ever heard.

What truly amazed me was their use of the "c" word. In America, that's one that we rarely ever use. If you're unsure of the word I mean, allow me to put it in the context that my friend DJ did. He is a frequent user of this particular word and once used it in mixed company...much to the dismay of our friend Sooz. DJ was discussing someone and said "This CoUNTry person"...he changed the word midbreath as Sooz looked ready to disembowel him with her bare hands...something Australian women are fully capable of doing.

I've found that learning to swear in foreign languages means learning how to swear all over again. Europeans tend to find being called a pig or a moose or a hunk of meat far more insulting than being called a "motherfucker" (which if you think about it, if she's a mother, she's already been...oh never mind...you get the idea).  While amusing in it's initial novelty, learning to swear in say German or French or Italian, becomes tedious if not used with any frequency.

This has led me to rethink my own vulgar language. In the past few months, I've made a conscious effort to not swear as much. OH I THINK IT! But I don't always say it. Sure, I still let the f-bombs drop if I'm out with my friends having a few drinks, or if I'm at home working on something and say, smash myself with a hammer...but I've really been trying to tone it down. My Aunt Ann would've been proud.

A particular problem has come about due to this. The profanity has been bottled up in me for a while now, with only occasional venting. I've been finding myself, during such spurts, coming up with totally new (at least to me) cuss words. Just the other morning, I was having a really rough day. Everything that could go wrong, seemed to. I was in a truly foul mood and really was trying not to be so grumpy. Then it happened. Some inanimate object caught my anger and I called it...a piece of dick. The dam broke at that point. EVERYTHING became a piece of dick. My goddamned piece of dick computer was being a piece of dick. I didn't want to hear that piece of dick Depeche Mode song on the piece of dick radio. Almost every phrase that came out of my mouth for the next two hours included "piece of dick".

The young'un found this humorous. She rarely swears and being a sweet, gentle and polite soul, forgives me for my often foul mouth. However, this string of pieces of dick just tickled her fancy. She noted that as it sounds just so silly, she thought that perhaps I was trying to cheer myself up by saying such a silly thing. If she'd been anyone else, I would've bashed her piece of dick skull in with a piece of dick hammer or damned piece of dick 2x4. But...like I said, she's just so sweet and so gentle, I can never get angry with her. So yes, I did cheer up a bit. For the past few days, using the term "piece of dick" has become a running joke around our house. Even the cat is accustomed to hearing it now. Normally, when I swear, the cat will run out of the room. (she knows that some inanimate object is about to be hurled) Now, I can yell PIECE OF DICK at the top of my lungs and the cat won't even bat her tail.

My rough day is long over and I'm really trying not to be so vulgar (who says ya can't teach an old dog new tricks?) but really....piece of dick....that's funny.