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I cried today...

Yep...I cried. I'm man enough to admit it.

If you're wondering why (and since you're reading this, I'll assume you do), I'll tell ya. One of my oldest and dearest friends lost his son over the weekend. My friend is obviously devastated. For once in my life, I'm at a loss as to what to say...if anything. I want so bad to be there for my friend, to try to find a way to comfort him. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and sorrow he is feeling.

It's long been said that its not the natural order of things for a parent to outlive their children. I agree with that. Ever since I found out about my friend's son's passing over the weekend, I've been trying to figure out just what part of God's plan this could be. That's my nature. I figure things out. It's what I do. But this...I have no clue. I'll leave this in God's hands. Its how my faith works.

In an effort to comfort my friend, I offered some verses from the Bible. While I am an ordained minister, my faith has been in question for a while now. As I looked for the right verses and scriptures, I found myself crying. I looked through the Book of Psalms, Luke, Matthew and Ecclesiastes, I found the words I wanted to say. My tears kept flowing. I felt my faith strengthen.

I couldn't recall just exactly what my friend's faith, if any, was...but I hoped that at the very least, he would appreciate the gesture and gain some peace, comfort and strength from the verses. I sent it to his inbox and moments later heard from my friend. I've known this guy for over 30 years. The only time I ever recall him crying was when he thought I was going to die (a story for another day). It breaks my heart minute after minute to think what he's going through...or what any parent who has lost a child must go through. And my tears kept flowing.

I'll be doing everything I can to make it to Ohio tomorrow to be with my friend and his family. There have been many times in my life that they have been there for me. My friend and I have gone through a lot together over the years...good and bad...and sometimes just plain old weird.

I remember his son as a baby. I remember him as a toddler, wobbling around on the floor. I remember him as a child. The last time I saw him, he was a young man. Tall and strong like his dad. He was always a smart kid...smarter than he ever let on. He had a great smile and a great laugh. I also remember practically pleading with his parents NOT to name him "Duncan"! (let's be serious...all of the other kids would have called him "donut" or "yoyo")

Last Thursday, the day before he passed, I thought about him out of the blue. I was surfing the internet and killing time before work and I remembered how as a wee child, he refered to rockabilly music as "rockaberry". I remember how that would just crack his dad & I up. As I thought about this, and other pleasant memories, I posted "rockaberry" on my friend's Facebook page, along with a comment about how amazed I am at the silly stuff I can still remember (despite my brain damage). Less than 48 hours later I received the tragic news.

For the past few hours, my eyes keep tearing up. I'm OK with it. There was a time that I'd never let anyone see me cry or know that I was capable of it. Always too much of a tough guy or the eternal clown. But today, I cried. And I'm sure before this week is out, I will cry many, many more times. I will cry over a young man losing his life way too early. I will cry over the pain and sorrow his parents, family and friends will feel. I will cry at the heartache his fiancee will endure. I will also cry at my own foolishness. My damned German stoicism. My ever questioning my faith.

In shedding these tears, I believe that some light has been shed on the answer I was looking for: Perhaps some people are taken from us to remind us of just what is truly important in life. We all too easily get caught up with inconsequential bullshit that in the heat of the moment seems so damned important. Perhaps this is a reminder, a wake up call if you will, of what is truly important in all of our lives.

Rest In Peace Shane Donald James Robinson. The world was a better place for you having been in it, and its a sadder place with you gone.

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