Where Did It All Go Wrong?

I am, by nature, a happy person.

I've lived with depression for over 40 years. I accepted that a long time ago. The meds they've tried to put me on scare the hell out of me. I refuse to take them. I've found my own natural ways to deal with it...and they work...so that ain't the problem.

I've never had it easy...and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always worked hard for everything in my life. I was taught to do that at an early age. If you want something bad enough, you'll work for it. It makes achieving that goal so much sweeter. So then, with all the hard work I've done...where the hell did things go so wrong?

9 years ago, I was on top of the world. I had a great job, was touring the world, and living the proverbial dream. Due to some unforeseen changes at my job, I opted to go self-employed. The money was better, the work was harder, and the only real downside was losing my benefits...you know, health care and paid time off. But ya know, it was still pretty great.

2007 seems to be when things really started to take a notable downward spiral. Due to funding cuts and changes, my business started to dwindle. I still managed to keep my head above water...but barely. In October of that year, my car was stolen. I got it back 2 days later...but had to pay a small fortune to get it back from a rogue towing company who had no right to tow it and impound it at their private lot. Fuckers. Then I had to pay another small fortune to fix the damage to the car. This all left me close to broke. But I persevered.

A couple weeks later, I had my heart attack. No health insurance either. The sight of that $80,000.00 hospital bill almost gave me another heart attack. But I handled it. Then, on my 2nd day back to work, I was physically attacked by a client. I pushed him off of me...and for that reaction of mine, I've been paying every single damned day.

The client's family filed criminal assault charges against me. The county (CYF) investigated and determined the claims against me to be UNFOUNDED.  I spent the next 3 years in and out of court. Judge after judge refused to hear the case. Finally, a newer judge agreed to hear the case, I went to court, was found guilty...and then the judge declared a mistrial. The whole mess had to start all over again. Our tax dollars hard at work!  Finally, another judge heard the case and even taking in the evidence from CYF's investigation which determined the allegations UNFOUNDED, he found me guilty again. I spent a year on probation. I also found out what a crock of shit our "justice" system is.

Luckily, I'd found a job in my field, that I enjoyed. The pay sucked...but it paid the bills and also came with pretty nice benefits. As much as most people complained about the place, I enjoyed working there. Then another ax fell. Across the board funding cuts, to the tune of 60%. Our site, which was always run extremely efficiently (from a financial viewpoint) was deemed unnecessary and was shut down. I had 2 months to either find another job or spend that time helping my clients find new residences, etc. As it was my job, and I actually cared about my clients, I opted to help them. I've paid for that choice ever since.

I was unemployed for 13 months. No one in my field would hire me. I no longer had the resources to return to self-employment. Finally, unable to take it anymore, I opted to start temping. Now THAT was an experience! Having to sell my skills at cut rate prices, just to be able to pay bills...that was rough. But I managed. Then...on a day off, at 4pm, I received a phone call telling me that my assignment was being cut short. Having to start over again...damn.

I took a factory job. That lasted a month. The job sucked. The pay sucked. And worst of all, I was being physically threatened by an asshole. It was all I could do NOT to beat that little shit within an inch of his life. I finally walked. One assault charge on my record is enough, thank you very much.

I've been lucky enough to get some painting work with a friend....but he barely has enough work to keep him going, so that too dried up. God bless him for helping me out! I've been offered some other painting gigs...but things don't always work out.

Being 47, with a heart condition, no car, no money, and having to continually start over...just really sucks. I'm not complaining. It's just how my life has turned out...but seriously, I just wish I knew how to turn it all around. I'm tired. Exhausted is a better word. Knowing that my former career no longer wants me...hurts. I wasn't just good at it, I was great! A few former supervisors pointed out that I had a gift for the work. It didn't matter how difficult the client or the case, I was up for the challenge! I can honestly say that I loved it.

I dream about my former career at least a few times a week. I dream about former clients. I dream about the work. I dream about the good and the bad parts. In the dreams, I'm always happily working. Then I wake up to my current reality. The reality of knowing that it's going to be another day of starting over....again. It's like a bad dream...a perverse version of the movie Groundhog Day.

I look at my girlfriend. God bless her. She is so unbelievably strong. We get through all of this together...but I can't help but feel that she deserves so much better. She's only 31 and she's attached to a slowly dying man. She really does love me. Why else would she put up with my own little Hell?

Most days, I just grin and bare it. I make the best of every day that I can. But there are days, days like today, when all I can do is sit and think. Sit and try to come up with yet another plan to get through another week of mounting bills and assorted growing problems.

I haven't had a real vacation since 1995. Sure, I took a little 3 day excursion a few years back...but that wasn't exactly a vacation. That was just a getaway. I could sure use one...soon...but that won't be happening in the foreseeable future.

I don't want anyone's pity. There's nothing worse than pity. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I'm a grown man. I can handle pretty much anything the universe throws at me...but...today, I feel like this. I just feel like going home. But the home of my dreams doesn't exist anymore. My home is here. I just wish I knew how to turn things around.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

M