The Kids of 1977

Back in 1977, when I was all of "10 3/4" years of age (I was always such a little weirdo!), we had an assignment in school to write a paragraph about what we though life in the year 2000 would be like. The local paper printed a bunch of them, including mine.  As is often the case, my past has come back to haunt me!

An old friend, today, sent me a link to an online article on Smithsonian.com where someone has dug up these artifacts and in retrospect, we kids weren't horribly far off. Knowing all of these kids, their writing denotes a lot about their personalities and mindsets...again, mine included. I really was such a weirdo (as my sister often likes to remind me).

I could've sworn that I wrote a longer, more in depth piece...but whatever...here's what the writer put in their piece on us Kids of 1977:

"
In the year 2000 I will be 34 years old. And actually I don’t think kids will have to go to school, because I believe that families will have computers to educate students. That’s all for education. I also believe that most of the world will all be the United States of America. I also believe that business and industry will be up 75 per cent. And as for culture, the Model T will be an old artifact. And, if you have children or grandchildren, they’ll all be more interested in culture than ever.
Mike Metzger, Age 10 3/4 (Harding School)"

Now let's think about this. There are a LOT of kids being home schooled via the internet...so I wasn't too far off. As for most of the world being the USA, again, I'm not too far off. While the US hasn't expanded in the traditional sense, we have taken over much of the world in terms of pop culture. In my travels overseas, I've often referred to the "American parasite". Everywhere I've traveled I see the same crap. McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, etc. There's a section of Melton South, VIC, Australia that I call Little America due to the number of American fast food joints. While there, I refused to eat at any of them, opting instead for Australia's own Red Rooster chain.

Our horrible American TV shows are all over the world. Our incredibly awful "music" is played everywhere. Why?

Because I was correct, again, in regards to business. In fact, I think the US has surpassed anyone's wildest dreams there! American companies are everywhere...with the possible exception of the US!  No one can say that Americans aren't good at business. In fact, we've become so good at it that we've learned to not hire Americans. It's cheaper to ship our jobs overseas...but I'm going to attempt to avoid my usual "leftist" political rants on the subject...for now.

Lastly, I had stated that people will be more interested in culture than ever...and look at where we are. Sadly, we're far too interested in pop culture...but it is a part of our culture...perhaps all we really have in the way of culture. Watch the news or look online and you hear about Madonna or Lindsey Lohan or the latest reality show...all the while ignoring truly important issues. Americans still suck at geography and tend to think that the world ends at their driveway.

Yes indeed...the Model T is now an ancient artifact (which I mentioned because just a few days before writing this piece back in 1977, I got to ride in one!). My dad's old 77 Buick would be considered an antique now.

Ours is a truly unique generation. Unlike our predecessors, we seem to have stayed younger, at least at heart. Many of us have managed to keep our dreams and child-like enthusiasm for life intact. While we may not have exceeded our parents' generation in financial success, we seem to be a happier bunch. We don't seem as beaten down as many of that generation did.

To all the other 'kids' mentioned in this article (and I remember you ALL!), isn't it something to see what we wrote, begrudgingly perhaps, as school kids...4th graders I believe...reprinted today. More amazing is how RIGHT we were! I guess we really did see it all coming.

I just wish we had flying cars. We were promised flying cars! And robots! Oh wait...maybe that was just old episodes of The Jetsons......


PHOTO: Miss Golas' class 1976-77

Top Row: Don Evans, Cathy McCarty, Doug Dalbenzio, Marty Bohren, Tim Villes, Gretchen McKee, Tom Wilson

Middle Row: Yours Truly, ?, Bruce Temple, John Frey, Erica Gambos, John Francis

Bottom Row: Monica Katsaros, Teresa Terezis, Chuck Long, Janet LaRue, Sharon Blair, Joe Rayburn

Teacher: Miss Golas

When Mom Took Me To See The Monkey Lady

I was thinking today about one time when I was little and our mum took us to the carnival. This was, to my knowledge, the last time a REAL carnival, complete with sideshows, was ever in Steubenville. I was maybe 6 or 7 yrs old. This was back when the annual carnival would set up down along the side of the old Mr. Wigg's store down in Hollywood Plaza. They had all the usual rides like the Tilt-A-Whirl and The Octopus (which may be the root cause of my acrophobia - once while riding it with my aunt, my shoe came off and hit some guy in the head!) , fried junk food, and games of chance (our brother Bill always excelled at these!)...but what caught my attention was the sideshow.

I remember they had a "mummy" on exhibit (which even to my childish mind looked fake!), a Fiji mermaid (which looked to me like someone sewed a dead monkey to a fish!), a few display cases with embalmed 2 headed critters, and LIVE IN PERSON, The Monkey Lady.

I was mesmerized by her "performance"...which wasn't so much of a performance as her standing around and telling her life story. She invited people to come up and tug on her fur to see if it was real. I was one of the lucky participants who got to do this! At the time, she looked ancient to me...but in reality was probably only in her 60s. Not a youthful 60 but a hard-lived 60. She seemed pleasant enough and not at all scary. She just looked like a very hairy black lady. Regardless, she had the charisma of a seasoned entertainer and drew a big crowd.

Sadly, the sideshows were already waining in popularity and some folks thought that it was wrong to exploit those with physical abnormalities as "freaks". I've only ever seen two sideshows with real live "freaks". The second time was at a small town festival in rural Ohio in the late 80s. It was nowhere near as memorable as The Monkey Lady was.

I remember pestering my mom and dad for days after that show. Dad, being a doctor, tried to explain to me her condition called hypertrychosis. Mom, always more bohemian, explained that regardless of her physical appearance, The Monkey Lady was just a normal person like anyone else, who just happened to have a lot more hair than most. Mom also pointed out how lucky she was to be in show business. She explained that The Monkey Lady made her living by traveling the country and making people happy. That was my mum...always the eternal optimist.

Over the years, I took what my mum told me to heart. I've now been an entertainer for 33 years. I've been fortunate enough to have played for tens of thousands of people the world over. I've done over 3,000 shows. I like to think that I make people happy when I perform.

Today is 33 years since we lost our mom. Never does a day go by that I don't think about her. I can still hear her voice and especially her laugh. She taught me a lot of things in her all too brief life. She taught me to look for the good in all people. She taught me the joys of music and art. She taught me that cooking can be fun and creative. Sadly, my mum never got to see me play a show. My first rock and roll show was about 6 months after she passed. I think about her every time I step onstage.

I have lots of wonderful memories. I lost a lot of them when I was in a coma ten years ago. I've been lucky that large portions of my brain have remapped since the brain damage. I'm thankful for the mother I had and the memories that I still have of her.

Thanks Mom, for taking me to see The Monkey Lady when I was a kid. I still remember it 40 years later and still remember you teaching me to look for the positive in all people and situations. I love and miss you.

Wait a minute...was that Elvis????

There's a new show called Nashville. I doubt I'll ever watch it. Having spent a fair bit of time there, I'll stay content with the real thing. I always preferred Memphis, anyway.

From 2002 - 2004, I spent a lot of time in Tennessee, most of it in the small town of Linden. Most of you have probably never heard of Linden, and there's really no reason you should have. It's a nice little town with a population of about 1000 or so. It's the county seat of Perry County. I remember when they put in that second traffic light!

What makes a town like Linden special and memorable is the people. Sure, it's beautiful country down there. If you like the outdoors and country living, its the kind of place you'll love. For me, it will always be about the people.

One of my very good friends, a term I don't use lightly, lives there. His name is Billy Poore. If you're a fan of rockabilly music, then his name is probably known to you. In his 68+ years, he's been a dancer on the old Milt Grant show, a recording artist/performer (The Trend-Els, as well as solo stuff), a songwriter, music publisher, and more. He wrote, edited, and published a great zine called Rockabilly Review and ultimately wrote a great book on the subject titled "Rockabilly - A 40 Year Journey"(available through Hal Leonard Publishing).

That Billy ended up in Linden isn't unusual. He came from Maryland and landed in Nashville. It's where the music was. After some time there, he and his wife and daughter settled in Linden. Here's where the story begins.

I was playing at a festival in Jackson, TN and Billy was also there. Also there was his daughter and her best friend. Her best friend caught my eye and one thing led to another and we started a long-distance relationship. This led me to spending 2 years driving back and forth from Pittsburgh to the middle of Tennessee. The things we do for love, eh?

Linden was like another world for me. I thought the town I grew up in (Steubenville, OH) was small! We had 40,000 people there when I was a kid. (far, far less now) Since leaving high school, I'd spent time in a lot of large cities, Columbus, Cleveland, NYC & Pittsburgh (as well as a few small towns like New Philadelphia and Kent). I'd traveled all over the country, and had started travelling overseas. This little Tennessee one-light town was, at least to me, a trip!

At first glance, there wasn't much going on there. To call it "quiet" would be an understatement. But to the trained eye, there was always something going on. The people in the community could've been characters from a TV show or movie. It was like Mayberry but a bit more odd.

The long arm of the law was essentially one man. A sheriff who went by the nickname of Beer Belly (Beer, for short). If that wasn't enough, he answered to the local judge...Judge Pee Wee! I kid you not! Pee Wee was the kind of guy who got away with drinking by having a police escort.

Linden is the kind of town where everyone knows everyone...and everyone else's business. To a privacy-minded northerner, this took some getting used to. Within hours, everyone knew I was "Miss Terri's fella from up north". That pretty much became my name. At the time, I don't believe there was a bar in town. Tennessee has some crazy liquor laws. Linden had the next best thing. A gas station that sold beer. And had tables set up in it for the locals to enjoy a couple of cold ones while discussing the weather, fishing, politics or that northerner courtin' a local gal.

Shopping in the area was a hoot. There weren't many stores to choose from. For groceries, you could either go way out to the Piggly Wiggly (which closed down) or the Food King in town. There was also another little market I remember...but more about that later.

There was a video store, a diner (The B&H), 2 sit down restaurants (The Rusty Hook specialized in sea food...catfish), a dollar store and my personal favorite - Crazy Fay's! If you wanted Confederate memorabilia (and really, who doesn't?) Crazy Fay's was the place for you! Need a bust of Elvis? Fay had it. Need a Confederate soldier lamp? Fay had that too! Need a black velvet Elvis with a Confederate flag draped over his shoulder? I'm pretty sure Fay had that too!

Not everyone in town was a character. Most were just normal, everyday people...of the more rural variety. You really couldn't ask for nicer people. Everyone was always exceptionally friendly there. I made some good friends there and I'm proud to say that we're still friends.

I was always surprised that I never made the front page of the local paper. It was a small, weekly publication called the Buffalo River Review. It was usually maybe 10 pages...all the news fit to print...and then some! My favorite section was the local goings on. It would usually be a number of pages dedicated to local events, visitations and gossip. There would be blurbs like "Ella Mae Sudbauer was visited by her sister Mildred from Murfreesboro this weekend" or "The Nelson twins, Gavin & Bubba, took 1st place in last Saturday's mud bog". It was quaint but always struck me as very "Mayberry". I loved reading the paper over and over and over! We kept a stack of them in the bathroom for just such a purpose. (And yes...indoor plumbing!) Each page was filled with amazingly normal/average characters...each given their moment in the sun that is being mentioned in the local paper.

My all-time favorite local character, though, was an old guy who was fixated on Elvis. I mean this guy had Elvis-itis BAD! He dressed like a normal old guy...except for his jet black Elvis wig and Elvis sunglasses. I remember well the first time I saw him. I was making my 2nd trip to visit my ladyfriend and had some friends from Cardiff, Wales with me. I'm glad because they too witnessed His Elvisness! We had stopped in a little market on the outskirts of town, looking for some toiletries. Had I known at the time that Fred's Pharmacy was where one goes for such things in the greater Linden area, I never would've stopped there...nor would I have run into this guy.

My friend 2Tone and I were making our way around the store (his missus opted to wait in the car) when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted The King. At least I thought it was The King! I stopped in my tracks, did a double take, and made sure I saw what I thought I saw. He was a guy of around 75 or so, wearing an old blue dress shirt, polyester pants, and his Elvis wig and shades. I got my friend's attention and asked if he was seeing what I was seeing. We were both gobsmacked. He ran out to the car to get his wife, who is a huge Elvis fan. We really couldn't believe what we were seeing. None of the other customers in the store, nor the employees for that matter, seemed to be phased by The King doing his shopping.

When we got to my ladyfriend's house, I immediately brought up seeing Elvis at the store. She laughed it off, saying "That's just Mr. So & So. He always dresses like that." She said this as if he was simply wearing a pair of overalls! Dude was wearing a (poorly fitting) Elvis wig and Elvis shades! It was nothing to her. Over the next 2 years, seeing The King around town became pretty much of a non-event for me too...but that first time was a trip!

I learned a number of things in my time spent in Linden. I learned that catfish ain't too bad, provided it's deep fried in beer batter and served with hot sauce. I learned that I really like jet skis...but am a dangerous man on them. I learned that Tennesseans love football...and love it when their teams beats the Steelers (admittedly, a rare moment). I learned that if you want to keep flies out of your store, house, trailer, etc., tie a clear plastic bag filled with water in front of the door. (it seems to work!)

But most of all, I learned that people are people, wherever you go. Most are good people who are just as curious about strangers as strangers are about them. They work hard, enjoy their leisure, worship in their own ways, and live a life not much different than yours or mine.

 If in your travels you should stop in some small, out of the way town that looks like the middle of nowhere, don't look down your nose. The town is probably far more interesting than your limited time there will allow you to see. Every town has it's treasures and it's secrets. Every town is made up of people: a community.  These people are always interesting...provided you take the time to find out who they really are.

And lots of people everywhere still love Elvis.

Halloween Costumes

Ahhhhhh, Halloween. The one night of the year where it's considered normal to dress up and beg for candy. For some of us, we call that Tuesday.

But seriously, if you grew up in the US of A, chances are you have fond memories of Halloween from your childhood. I know I do. Our mum was great for Halloween! She would make us great costumes or encourage us to dress however we wanted.

What was YOUR favorite Halloween costume as a kid? I know what mine was. When I was about 11, my dad had lost a bunch of weight...about 80 pounds or so, and he had all his old pairs of "fat guy" pants. He had them stacked up, getting them ready to go to Goodwill, and I snuck in and grabbed 2 pairs. I found that if I bent one leg back, I could get it into a pant leg. Then I put the other pair on over top of that and did the same. I decided to tie shoes to my knees while doing this. It made me look like a midget. I took an old cane and cut it down to size so I could walk. I got good enough at it, and went as Toulouse Latrec that year for Halloween. This could, however, explain why my knees are shot!

An ex girlfriend of mine has the best Halloween costume story ever. Well, I think it's great...she's always seen it as traumatic. Her mum was the type to live vicariously through her kids. One year, she dressed my ex up as a box of popcorn. She painted a garbage can with red & white stripes and hand painted the old popcorn box logo on it. She cut out holes in the bottom for legs. She then put my ex into it and filled it all the way to the top with real popcorn!

My ex girlfriend grew up in the city, so I guess they didn't go door-to-door as much as suburban kids. There was usually a big Halloween costume party up the street at the church. That's where she went. So her dad walks her, in her armless box of popcorn costume, up the street to the party. Here's where the fun begins.

In a word: pigeons. As my ex and her dad were making their way up the street, flocks of pigeons descended on them, going after the ton of popcorn that made up her costume. Her arms were stuck INSIDE the costume, so she couldn't shoo them away. Her dad tried batting them away but come on...if you've ever seen any bird, let alone pigeons, go after popcorn, you know they weren't giving up! My ex said that she screamed and cried and was scared to death and begged her dad to take her home. Her dad, probably not wanting the money spent on making this costume going to waste, let alone facing the wrath of his missus, managed to get her to the party with her eyeballs intact. Still screaming and crying, with much popcorn missing from her costume, she always swore it was the most traumatic memory of her childhood.

Personally, I think it's the funniest damned Halloween story I've ever heard!

Pillow Talk....Pittsburgh Style!

I'm sure most people realize by now that I refer to my better half as "the young'un". Why? Because she's 15 years younger than I am. (Just call me Mr. Obvious) One would normally think that could be a hindrance to a relationship...growing up during different times could potentially limit our shared life experiences, thus creating a possibility of nothing to talk about. Also, she's young and good looking and I...well...I am not. I used to be...but with age I have reverted to being "cute". (And yes ladies, guys with gray hair really don't like that word "distinguished". We pretend we do...but we don't. To us it means "Hey! Look at the old guy. I bet he was something to look back in his day")

While the young'un and I have few similar interests, we use this to our advantage. Every day is a new adventure for us. Lucky for me, she is open to new things. I, on the other hand, am not. I am accustomed to things being just so, or as she would put, "set in my ways" (aka stubborn as a mule).

We both share a love of zombies. While she prefers to kill them on her Xbox, I prefer to watch "NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD" (the original...in black & white...with a cameo by Chilly Billy).  That movie is a Pittsburgh treasure! We have both, in the past couple of years, become fans of THE WALKING DEAD television show.

It's things like this that infuse new life and energy into our relationship (as well as tons of in-jokes that no one else would ever get...and we like it that way). This leads to the topic of this blog: our idea of 'pillow talk'.

After a long day at work, and having been working 6-7 days weeks for the past month (its the busy time of year where she works), she came home and after she put on her comfies, I made us some popcorn and we snuggled up on the couch...to watch more zombies. As with any couple, this leads to talking during the program. (this used to drive me crazy...but see! Even old farts like me can adapt!) As we both are inquisitive by nature, our conversations go something like: (OK, I'm paraphrasing here but it went kinda like this)

Me: I wonder if zombies poop?

Young'un: (stares at me)

M: Well, if they eat all that flesh/brains and don't poop, they'd have ginormous, flesh-filled guts wouldn't they?

Y: (stares at me) Well yeah...it'd have to go somewhere.

M: Imagine how bad that would smell! (I then went on a monologue about the possible stench of rotting flesh festering inside a rotting, undead, zombified digestive tract)

Y: (stares at me)

M: I wonder if zombies have a hyperactive salivary gland?

Y: (stares at me) Why?

M: If ya ever notice, their lips are usually gone but they always seem to be drooling...hence me thinking they might have a hyperactive salivary gland due to their zombie state.

Y: Imagine how bad their breath would be!

M: (stares at her....thinking "Really? They don't seem to poop yet she's concerned with their breath? If one got that close to me I'd probably have a coronary")

This is a typical night for us. Who says romance is dead? (or in this case...undead)
You know you're in a good relationship when you and your better half can have a serious discussion on zombie poop and not think anything is unusual about it. Mind you, she did give me some odd looks when I mentioned the prospect of midget zombies, hermaphroditic zombies and then wondered aloud if one of a set of conjoined twins died and became a zombie, would the other?

It's a wonder she hasn't run screaming yet......