11

11 years. Has it really been that long?

I can still hear your voice. I can hear your laugh. I can hear you calling me Micha. I can hear you arguing with me. I can hear you breathe. But you're still gone. And I still miss you and I still love you.

We knew that "we" couldn't be. We knew that we had to go our own ways...but we always stayed in each other's life. Until that day. I remember trying time after time to call...but the phone lines were down. I have never been so scared.

I large part of me died with you. A large part of the world died with you. I was sure I'd never be happy again. But...I am.

I know you watch over me. I'm pretty sure you had something to do with her coming into my life. I don't see how else it could have happened. She's young, beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, talented...everything you know I need in my life. She's good for me. I try to be good for her...but I'm still a mess.

The legal mess wages on. There are days when I think it will go on forever. I'm over it. I'm trying to get my life together again. I'm cancer free. My ticker is still damaged...and will be forever. I try to be happy. I have lots of reasons to be happy. I'm pretty sure your hand has guided mine in many instances.

I've been out of work all year. I wonder if you had something to do with that too. Maybe it's your way of telling me it's time to do something else. I just wish I could talk to you. You were so good with advice. You were more disciplined than I'll ever be. Damn...I miss you.

I'm playing music more. I'm sure your hand guided that. I'm playing bass again too. It feels good. I'm hoping to start touring with a few different acts. We'll see what time brings.

I was finally able to keep my promise to my grandmother and Aunt Ann. I got my dad and sister talking. Dad finally got to meet his granddaughters. It meant so much to them. And to me. I get weepy just thinking about it. You know me...Mr. Waterworks.

One of my nieces just got engaged. Her fiance...I met him a couple of years ago. He came to visit with Nancy and the girls. He seems like a good kid. He's a firefighter. Noble. I think they'll make a good home together. I wish the girls could have known their auntie. I think they'd love you.

It still hurts. The pain never goes away. I have become accustomed to it though...it's become a part of me. I laugh a lot more these days. I've accepted it. Kind of hard not to, eh? I still pull your photo out now and then...although, to see your face, all I have to do is close my eyes. I know you're still there.

I love her you know. As usual, I think I suck at showing it...but I try. And try. It's funny, there are moments when she reminds me of you. You two couldn't be more different...but maybe, those moments when she reminds me of you...maybe that's you working through her. I don't know. I'm getting weirder. Maybe it's just me getting old. Damn, I have a lot of gray hair now. I'll always remember you pointing out my first gray hairs. And I'm still sure YOU caused them! HAHA!

Oh my little petitsa na poby. I feel lost a lot of the time. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I don't think I'm done here. I just don't know how to make it happen anymore. I feel lost.

Oh well. It's another year gone by. The world has gone crazy. There is so much hate today. I'm almost glad you don't have to see it. I worry about what's going to happen to this country and the world. I think things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.

I hope you're at peace. Just know that I will always love you. But, I must be among the living and I'm lucky, she loves me and I love her. I probably don't deserve her. I'm just happy she puts up with my grumpy old ass.

I'll see you where I always do. In my dreams. If you can, give me a nudge. Push me a bit. You know how I get when I'm like this. You were always able to get my ass moving when nothing else could.

I'll see you soon.

Namaste my love.

M