Reach Out! (your arms ARE long enough!)

With all of the bad news we regularly hear about politics, the economy, the weather, etc. sometimes we have to ignore it all and get back to basics. And by that, I mean being GOOD to each other.

This week has been a bit unusual for me. I'm a man of limited means & my car broke down. Its looking to be an expensive fix. But I will handle that, as I have everything else thrown my way, in its own time. I have a good and more importantly, HONEST mechanic (Shout out to Sam Sr. & Sam Jr. @ Glenshaw Auto!). They've never let me down in 15+ years!

But also this week, I've been trying to help 2 friends. One, who is in a world of emotional hurt. Her life is facing some immediate and definitely tough challenges. She often doesn't realize just how strong she is. She's faced some big challenges in the past and has always managed to surmount them. She is facing being homeless within the next few days. My heart goes out to her. She's at the end of her rope and finding it beginning to fray. She needs help. I've tried to give her the help that I can and have made suggestions as to other help. I pray that she finds it. She's a good gal. I also hope that I've made the right suggestions to her. But at the very least, I've tried to be there for her. I can't coddle her...she doesn't need that. It's a tough time for her and she needs to be tough herself right now! God Bless you KB!

Another friend is in jail. Has been since May. This friend is having a very tough time of it. Luckily, the jail my friend is in participates in a service called 4inmates.com. It's a way for friends and loved ones to email inmates, set up commissary accounts, etc. I was surprised to find out that I'm the only one of this person's friends/family to reach out to do this. My friend has been alone in jail for 2 months! I'm now writing every day and just recently opened a commissary account so my friend can have a snack or soda when they want. Really, its the little things that make life bearable. My friend could possibly be in jail until December. Possibly longer. Imagine not being able to have a snack or a soda for 6 months or not hearing from friends or loved ones. How well do you think that YOU would hold up?

I know life is tough for all of us right now. But for some, it is even tougher. Please, take the time to reach out to those in need. Like the old saying goes, there but for the grace of God goes I.

Be good to each other. Let's show the world that good can still conquer evil.

The Talking Dog

Really now, who wouldn't love a talking dog? So unique! A wonder! A mystery! But after a while, the novelty would probably wear off and you'd still have to feed it, take care of it, and clean up it's crap.

But what about the talking dog? How would it feel? Sure, it would probably enjoy the attention...at first. But you'd think that all of the hullabaloo would become tiresome after a while. And talk about lonely! Other dogs would probably be standoffish...considering that a talking dog is somewhat a freak of nature. Oh yeah...and since the normal dogs can't talk, there would be a definite communication barrier.

At what point, if any, would the talking dog feel normal...or at least at home? How would the talking dog differentiate between friends and curiosity seekers? How would the talking dog know who to trust?

Mind you, being a talking dog could be an amazing thing. The talking dog would presumably have insights to the dog world. The talking dog could explain the mysterious bond between humans and dogs that existed since prehistoric times. The talking dog could teach us all a new trick or two I'm sure!

But at what cost to the talking dog? My mind keeps thinking how miserable it would be to be that alone. Imagine being the only one of your kind. A true minority! How would that feel? I'm sure that at some point in all of our lives, we've all felt different or unique or felt like an outsider...but are we really? The answer would have to be no. None of us are ever so removed from society that we cannot find someone else who can relate. None of us will ever be talking dogs. And to that I say "WOOF!" (dog for "YAY!").

Some thoughts on suicide/self-destruction...

Allow me to preface this by saying I felt compelled to write it. I posted on my Facebook page my thoughts on Amy Winehouse's untimely death. I posted that I cannot shed a tear for someone who pisses away a beautiful life. All life is beautiful. Sadly, not everyone is able to realize this. My sister sent me a text today asking questions about my thoughts on this, so I felt the need to clarify a bit.

Yes. There are some folks out there who feel so completely overwhelmed and alone that they opt for suicide. There are others who for whatever reasons, opt for slow self-destruction. Some are born with highly addictive natures. Just add chemicals and BAM! you have an addict. And let me tell you, addictions are hell.

None of this changes my thoughts...and I'll tell you why. I fall into all of the categories above and guess what? I've survived. Am I stronger than most? God, I hope not because most days I see my weaknesses at the forefront.

I first tried to commit suicide at age 4. It was an impulse. A few half-assed attempts followed. After my mother died when I was 13, the impulses got stronger...plus my impulses for self-destructive behavior became stronger. Alcohol, drugs, smoking, eating crap food, unsafe sex,fighting, weapons, you name it. At age 15 I was expelled from school for carrying a concealed weapon (a straight razor). As part of my probation, I was court ordered into outpatient psychiatric care until age 18. I can tell you, it did nothing to stave off the impulses. I moved from pot to amphetamines (pharmaceutical grade, not the crap home-made stuff or caffeine pills). I also drank every chance I got. I scared the hell out of my shrink. One day I showed him just how I capable I was at fooling everyone around me. It took me an hour to convince him NOT to hospitalize me.

After I turned 18, I pretty much gave up drugs (except beer). I still fought all the time. I still would sleep with damned near anyone with a pulse. I liked to drive fast. I used to play a game where I would jam my foot on the gas pedal and see if I would hit anything. The suicidal impulses were still as strong as ever. One night, this particular game led to me crashing my car @ 120mph into the back of a parked garbage truck. I walked away with a few cuts and bruises. I was extremely lucky. When I saw the inside of my car a few days later when I got out of the hospital, I saw that my legs had shattered the dash, my chest knocked the steering wheel off and through the windshield and my mouth had broke the rearview mirror in half. All of this led to a spiritual awakening in me. I realized that I was here for some reason.

I've lived with depression for 45 years. For all I know, it could be genetic. My maternal grandmother was a depressive who took her own life. What I HAVE learned, in my case at least, is that these are suicidal impulses. I can choose to follow them or ignore them. It took a looooooong time to understand that.

In my mid 20s, I discovered cocaine. Now that was my kinda drug! By age 30 I thought it was behind me. I was wrong. My depression hung in there as did my suicidal impulses. I'd started to mellow a bit in my self-destructive nature, but not much.

At 34 I was diagnosed with skin cancer. I beat it thoroughly but it brought on a bad depression. Life was starting to look up for me by my mid 30s when due to what I call The Great Nashville Beef Incident, I ended up in a coma for a week and lost large chunks of memory. It took me over a year to be able to balance my own checkbook again! I ended up in an extremely deep depression. But no one ever really knew because I chose NOT to let them know. I can be very convincing when I want to be.

By 40, I had been around the world, was self-employed and had the world by the short hairs. Then the depression got worse. My business started to fall apart thanks in large part to the Bush funding cuts. Rather than just move on to bigger and better things, I dove back into my old friend cocaine. I was dropping a grand a month and was taking someone else down with me.

To add insult to injury, I was no longer able to sleep. I'd long been an insomniac (years of caffeinated beverages plus other chemicals will do that to you) but this was really bad. I was averaging 20 non-consecutive minutes per day. This went on for 6 weeks.

Finally, I fell apart. Complete breakdown. I was raving. Luckily, a friend who has known me for ages, saw the mess I was in and called an ambulance. The police came and took me to Western Psych. Luckily, while there they discovered part of the reason for my sleep problems: my serotonin levels were all out of whack from the coma! Modern pharmacology to the rescue! I was placed on time released antidepressants and sent on my way. I saw my therapist religiously every week. I went home and flushed a few hundred dollars worth of coke and poured all of my booze down the drain. Then I attempted to go about salvaging the relationships in my life. I've done pretty well with that.

After 6 weeks, I developed tremors in my arm from the antidepressants and had to stop taking them. My doc wanted to try some others but not being OK with the thought of having a seizure, I opted to go without. It's been 5 years. And I'm still OK! Since then, I suffered a massive heart attack and another bout of cancer...both of which I've beaten.

I still haven't completely kicked all of my bad habits. I still smoke (and still keep trying to quit!) and will still have a few beers now and then. I'm in a relatively stable relationship...and God only knows how she puts up with me! I try to take care of myself. Some days are better than others. Just like anyone else.

I still get depressed now and then. I still get the suicidal impulses too. But I've learned that they are just that. Impulses. I don't have to give in to them. I still have lots of demons in my head too. These are called painful memories. Some too painful to ever discuss. With anyone. But I've learned that I can either allow them to rule my life or relegate them to the status of just one more thing to deal with. I've opted for the latter.

Every day I'm thankful to still be here. By all rights I shouldn't be. I have lots of things that I want to do. I like making plans...even if they don't always turn out.

To ANYONE who has been touched by suicide, self-destructive behavior, etc...remember: its not YOUR fault. If there is someone in your life that you care about at all who fits one of these categories, get them help. I can tell you, they WILL be angry with you for a while. But they WILL get over it. And they will eventually thank you. If they are sick and not getting better, get them better help. Not all docs are the same. There's no 'one size fits all'. Some folks just need someone to listen, or to remind them that someone cares. Some need a more structured approach. Some need to be hospitalized, sometimes for long periods of time. Illness is illness, regardless of what part of the body it affects or how visible it is. Never give up.

If you are one of the people living with the daily hell of depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction, etc...GET HELP! I can guarantee you that someone cares alot more than you realize and its a selfish act to destroy the precious life you have. Someone somewhere cares. Losing you will hurt them every bit as much as the pain you feel on a daily basis. So please, get the help you need. I'll help you if I can. If I can't, I'll help you find the right help. As my auntie used to tell me often, "Don't do anything stupid". You DO have choices. Choose to be happy.

Review: T-Model Ford @ Thunderbird Cafe 7/21/11

If you're unfamiliar with T-Model Ford, shame on you! T-Model is one of the last great Mississippi hill country bluesmen. If you enjoy the likes of R.L. Burnside or Junior Kimbrough, you'll dig T-Model Ford. The man has seen a lot in his 91 (yes! 91 years!) years. Married 5 times, in jail a bunch more and even spent time on a chain gang. He KNOWS the blues! He didn't even start playing guitar until he was 58. His then wife gave him a guitar and amp as a 'parting gift'. (someone obviously watched too many game shows!)

On to the show!

It was an oppressively hot night in Pittsburgh and the A/C at the Thunderbird did it's best to battle the heat. It was a losing battle. I think T-Model Ford made the room even hotter with his authentic Mississippi blues! And believe it or not, there were even a few black folks at the show! Not many but mind you, the Pittsburgh blues crowd seems to be made up mostly of aging white folks these days.

John & Rick from the Pawnbrokers (local blues band) opened up with some electric country blues...guitar, vocals, harmonica and did a nice job. But the crowd was there for one reason and one reason only; to see T-Model Ford!

T-Model was accompanied by an odd twosome. Drummer Martin Reinsel (of the band Gravel Road) & singer/guitarist Margaret Light. The best reason I can guess why these two were allowed onstage was because they drove. The soundman finally buried Ms. Light's guitar so deep down in the mix as to be barely audible...the only thing he did right (in my opinion) the entire night. Mr. Reinsel's drums were unbearably loud...and that was also the opinion of my good friend and top notch drummer, Jim Bleyer! The other phrase I heard bandied about regarding the duo of Reinsel & Light was "disrespectful". They didn't seem to realize that they were backing someone else. Ms. Light just noodled on the guitar and Mr. Reinsel just flailed at his drums...attempting to copy the style of Cedric Burnside...but failing miserably. This white kid with the hipster beard just was not getting the groove. Alas, heat affected T-Model's tuning for the 1st half of the show. Any guitarist out there knows the story: Hot, humid night = stretchy guitar strings. Lots of onstage tuning...which may also have been affected by the "backing band's" lack of skills. But in the 2nd set, T-Model really came to life!

After a brief break (spent onstage), T-Model and Co. treated us to a lively set of deep groove, Mississippi blues. Now THIS was what I came to see! Songs like Sally Mae, Big Boss Man, My Babe, a different version of Chicken Head Man than I'm used to...man, it was awesome! Like I said, the sound man relegated Ms. Light's guitar to the quietest part of the mix and Mr. Reinsel appeared to restrain himself a bit and actually on a few occasions found the groove! Personally, I would have been happier had T-Model asked the young white hipster kids 'backing' him to just go sit down somewhere and let him just play solo...but as I found post-show, T-Model is far too friendly and polite (in a blunt, rural way) to do such a thing.

Speaking of post show, I got to talk briefly with T-Model after the show. Man is he cool! Thanks to my friend Daisy Holzapfel for snapping a few pics. All the ones I took turned out like crap (Note to self: buy new digital camera).

T-Model was a genuine, outgoing kinda guy. Really easy to talk to. You could tell he is really enjoying his later-in-life fame. He and I talked about guitar playing and he has invited me to Mississippi to come visit and play some! He even gave me directions to his house! I'm going to attempt to clear some time next month for a trip down south! I can also say that I got to share a drink with the man. T-Model still, at age 91, likes his whiskey (although he doesn't allow himself the pleasure often)and I was honored to buy him a double shot of Jack Daniels.

Big thanks to Danny Auerbach (of The Black Keys) for introducing me to T-Model Ford's music years ago. Danny used to open for me in Akron with his former band The Barn Burners. I think we all know just how well he's done since!

Don't let this review keep you from going to see T-Model. As a musician I can tell you, there are a lot of factors that go on to decide how good a show is. Like I stated, the heat and humidity were oppressive and it can be difficult to drive all day in that heat and then go onstage and play a show. Luckily, the crowd at the Thunderbird knows this and were all stoked for the show! And like I said, even though the start of the show was a tad rough, T-Model Ford came through like a pro! It's not often that one gets the privilege of seeing a legend perform. This show was one of those few. Thank you Mr. Ford for a great performance! I hope to see at least a few more from you!

And a time to vent...

For the most part, I enjoy my job. I am blessed to work with some truly unique clients. I work long, crappy hours for not much money. I work in the mental health field...a career choice only for those insane enough themselves to want to do it.

I'm lucky that in this horrendous economy, I even have a job!

But...I'm seriously thinking it may be time to walk. My boss, who tends towards occasional bursts of downright idiocy, has hired some of the most useless lumps of human waste I've ever met. The one couldn't wait to start using her paid time off. She now abuses it. 2 of the others fight with everyone in the building...except me. They both learned better their 1st week.

My boss is African. Than in itself is no problem. The problem I do see is her choice to keep hiring more Africans, even though the ones she hires seem to have zero qualifications. Favoritism much? Now the one gets to make her own schedule and every one else's. She is doing a LOUSY job of it. The newest one...has developed a dangerous habit of phoning me on my days off. This is not going to end well.

My plan to date has been to stay there for at least 2 more years while I go back to school. I'm now thinking I may just look for another job and try to find one to fit around my school schedule (once I start). Mind you, I'll stick with it at the Ha Ha Hacienda provided I can sort out the crap. But really...all of my files were just recently rearranged. I had them neatly in alphabetic order. Now, it seems that the alphabet starts with P and then goes to J then to B and so on...I'm a cranky mofo!

OK...just needed to vent. I feel better now. Maybe my meds are kicking in....

Modern American Slavery

My mother always taught me to be an individual; to be myself. I've always tried to follow that advice. I definitely dance to the beat of my own drum!

But how many of us can honestly say this? Many of us like to think we're unique and individualistic but in reality most are slaves to conformity. You may think you're doing your own thing but are you?

Corporations, the media, and even the government keep you enslaved. And they do it without you even noticing.

Look at advertising. In urban neighborhoods, you'll see more advertisements for Newport and/or Kool cigarettes than Marlboros. In short, the cigarette companies are telling YOU what to smoke. Put on daytime television. Now there's some amazing advertising! Put on a show like Jerry Springer or Maury. Then watch the ads. You'll see lots of commercials for vocational schools. In short, your being told what your jobs will be. Sure, it could be said that the advertisers are merely reaching out for their target audience...but is that the case or are people being subconsciously told what to do?

Now let's look at social groups. Ever been to a gay bar? You'll hear some of the worst music in the world there...repetitive, senseless, electronic crap. Ever wonder who decided to play that music? Sure...it may be good to dance to...but there's a lot of other music out there. Same with straight bars. You'll hear predictable crap there too. Again, ever wonder who decides what songs are 'hits'? Simple. Corporations do. Investigate who owns the major record labels. You might be surprised. And if you think a 'hit' is based on sales...think again. Gold/platinum records are not based on sales. They're based on units shipped. Shipped...not sold. Do you want a hit record? Ship 1 million copies to record stores. Fudge your download numbers. It's not that difficult. In short, you're being told what to listen to.

OK kids...look at how you dress. Who decides that? I was Xmas shopping a few years ago and saw a kid dressed exactly like I used to 30 years ago! Mohawk, black trench coat, punk rock buttons all over it. I looked at him and started laughing. He tried to act tough until I pointed out that he was a clone of ME from 30 years past! His dad or whoever the other "old fart" in line and I shared a good laugh. The kid looked completely deflated. Like a certain style of music? You better dress the part! Get your Doc Martens or creepers or wear your pants halfway down your ass. It's all part of THE UNIFORM! You're a slave!

One could say that I'm stuck with a certain look. The reality is, I dress for comfort. I admittedly have an affinity for black t-shirts, checked shirts, and jeans. I wear whatever tennis shoes I find comfortable. (I actually hate shoes...I'd prefer to wear slippers all of the time...but I too must conform on occasion, regardless of the physical pain it causes me)

I realized some years ago that I was wearing a "uniform". Being a "rockabilly" musician, people expected me to look a certain way. So I went out of my way to change it. You'd be surprised at some of the reactions I got! I actually heard comments like "You can't wear your hair like that!" and "You don't look rockabilly!" It was hilarious! And these people were so serious!

Everything from where you live (or want to live), everything you do (or think you want to do), etc. is decided for you! Believe it or not! We're told what the desirable is. But ask yourself, is it really what YOU want?

Drugs. They're baaaaaaaaad m'kay! But guess what...you're a slave to them too! The government's war on drugs is a joke. The government brings a lot of them in! And then there's the legal drugs. You NEED your coffee, your Coke/Pepsi/Mt. Dew! The TV tells you about all the new medications that you just might need (and you will probably convince yourself and your doc that you need them!).

Food. This is good for you. This is bad for you. No wait...its good for you. No, wait... When I was a kid, butter and eggs were considered bad for you. Now they're not. What we have forgotten is that as long as we eat a relatively healthy diet, and in moderation, we're OK! But we need QUICK! FAST! IMMEDIATE! Load it up with chemicals we can't even pronounce! We'll eat it...because we're told to.

And meal times...you do realize that they are based around WORK. You eat breakfast to fuel yourself up for the workday. You eat lunch as a brief refueling...then dinner when you get home. But in reality...your body doesn't like this! Your body would prefer numerous smaller meals throughout the day. Don't believe me? Look it up.

See! I just told you what to do!

We're even told what to think. This is very scary! Those that we view as authority figures tell us what to think. It starts by telling us what we want to hear. Then slip in some good old fashioned fear...and voila! Thought control! We hear it enough times and we begin to view it as fact. Even when our own common sense tells us its wrong.

We're all slaves...to someone or some thing...and most of us are completely unaware of it. I guess ignorance really is bliss.